Fesshole🧻 (@fesshole) header
Fesshole🧻 (@fesshole) profile picture

Fesshole🧻

@fesshole

Confess your sins anon - will the internet absolve you? ADD FESS https://nitter.gq/t.co/nlr7P7crme LIVE SHOW TICKETS https://nitter.gq/t.co/OBRqMIHFJk

b3ta.com/addfess
Joined June 2018
  • Tweets45.4K
  • Following474
  • Followers1M
697Media
Photo by Fesshole🧻 (@fesshole)Photo by Fesshole🧻 (@fesshole)Photo by Fesshole🧻 (@fesshole)Photo by Fesshole🧻 (@fesshole)Photo by Fesshole🧻 (@fesshole)Photo by Fesshole🧻 (@fesshole)Photo by Fesshole🧻 (@fesshole)Photo by Fesshole🧻 (@fesshole)Photo by Fesshole🧻 (@fesshole)Photo by Fesshole🧻 (@fesshole)
Your Fesshole editor has done a book, a response to the world being dominated by AI slop, he's gone back to his ZX81 & written 81 jokes and also, illustrated each one using the exact limitations of this 1981 computer. All by hand. Buy it for Xmas. spelk.press/gb/products/81-j…
81 jokes for the zx81

ALT 81 jokes for the zx81

“Ridiculously niche but ridiculously joyful” Richard Herring “Greatest book ever made and you win. Profound.” Joel Morris (Philomena Cunk co-creator) “Bloody amazing” M. J. Hibbert (Hey Hey 16K songwriter) “Excellent vintage humour. Lifts corny to an art.” Otto English “A ZX Triumph. The joke book I never knew I needed.” Ben Wheatley (film director)

ALT “Ridiculously niche but ridiculously joyful” Richard Herring “Greatest book ever made and you win. Profound.” Joel Morris (Philomena Cunk co-creator) “Bloody amazing” M. J. Hibbert (Hey Hey 16K songwriter) “Excellent vintage humour. Lifts corny to an art.” Otto English “A ZX Triumph. The joke book I never knew I needed.” Ben Wheatley (film director)

3
6
75
138,678
My favourite brand of tea leaves suggests steeping for 5-7 minutes. I pour boiling water over the tea leaves in a narrow mouth conical flask, which I place on a lab hotplate with a magnetic stirrer. It stirs for 45 minutes before I decant into a tea cup. Chemists know tea.
7
1
53
19,475
At my 9-year-old daughter's party at the swimming pool, the kids saw some poo floating in the pool. I only informed the staff when it was time for us to leave, because I knew they were required to evacuate the pool, and so they did.
2
2
76
28,407
I have a squirrel in my garden who is so used to me now he sits and waits for me to throw monkey nuts to him and comes right up to me. He's not eating out my had yet but pretty close. The fess? I'm now including monkey nuts for a squirrel in my weekly budget.
5
3
1
365
27,579
Writing an email to a protective new client, autocorrect changed the name to Dear Mr Strumpet. Could have corrected it myself but in these days of "AI escaped and did crimes" excuses I stopped giving a shit.
2
1
50
19,828
I wish the fiancee wouldn't refer to a BJ as her "hubby batter fix" but at least it's better than her early term "baby batter fix" which caused me to become impotent for 15 minutes. Still, I can't be ungrateful about BJs and she's a good person far below the surface.
11
6
2
230
80,164
I'm fairly sure I've avoided multiple round of layoffs as my +3 manager is gay and thinks I too am gay and looks out for me. I'm a just a slightly depressed 45 year old unmarried guy who keeps himself fit and keeps my private life private at work.
13
11
1,035
67,190
Burdened by a confession? Use this link to share it with Fesshole: b3ta.com/addfess
Fesshole - Anonymous Confessions

Fesshole - Anonymous Confessions

Submitting a confession to Fesshole gives Fesshole permission to publish it. Duh. Also we DO NOT store your email - that asterisk saying 'required' is to stop people submitting blank confessions.

docs.google.com
2
23,111
The woman who moved in behind us cut down the boundary trees that were meant to remain there for privacy. One Sunday afternoon I flung a load of boiled potatoes over into her garden, not sure why. I might have been drunk, but god it felt good.
10
2
519
49,597
I recently set a childhood picture of myself as my background image on my phone. Whenever I think I might do something dumb, I'll look at it and ask myself if I'd willingly inflict whatever I'm about to do on that person. Effective, but now everything thinks I'm a parent.
3
2
228
36,134
Dad of two stroppy, sullen, opinionated, teenage boys. Feel like I'm losing touch with them. Last night one couldn't sleep, so joined me. A few mins later he reached out and held my hand and went to sleep. I lay there streaming silent tears, treasuring the moment.
45
38
4,311
193,826
As a man, after doing a horrendously pungent shit in a unisex public toilet cubicle, I often lift the seat so that if I pass anyone on the way out, they'll think I just did a piss and the stench was from the person before me.
14
5
387
65,326
Add your fess: b3ta.com/addfess
Before retiring last month I was a traffic warden for 12 years. Issued thousands of parking tickets. Every single one contained a deliberate error, meaning if they challenged it, nobody would have paid a penny. You're welcome. Fesshole GOLD from 25th June 2021

ALT Before retiring last month I was a traffic warden for 12 years. Issued thousands of parking tickets. Every single one contained a deliberate error, meaning if they challenged it, nobody would have paid a penny. You're welcome. Fesshole GOLD from 25th June 2021

5
9
1
603
42,199
My 14 year old daughter thinks she lives in a hotel. She has a bath and uses a towel once and refuses to use it again. I roll it up and put it back in the cupboard. She's blissfully unaware she's used the same towel 4 times.
26
9
4
1,144
88,882
Fantasized for a good few years now about visiting a swingers club with the wife. But staying in a hotel that was over the road from one and seeing the state of the couples going in I am resolute that I will not suggest to the wife that we pop over the road for the evening.
17
5
1,113
206,983
Parents who let their children sit anywhere on public transport and not with them will find that they have learnt some new words
5
3
404
54,515
My wife keeps panicking about finding these mysterious little lumps stuck to the wall behind our sofa. Google Lens tells her they're some kind of pest larvae. When do I tell her they're my dried up bogeys, subtly flicked when she's not looking?
4
3
242
63,155
My mother died and my brother and I are preparing to sell her house. I'm the executor and need his help so I'm being very amicable and friendly. He doesn't know that when the estate is settled, I will rarely if ever speak to him again because he's an annoying bellend.
55
18
2
1,882
259,152
My older sister was always talking about beef cake when I was little. I knew she meant boys with muscles but I've always thought that sponge cake with browned beef inclusions would be awesome. Finally developed the recipe for it. I'm serving it to my sister this weekend.
12
16
1
631
59,361
Six years ago I got given the unpaid task of office cleaning & supplies orderer. Each Friday lunch I order cleaning & office supplies for delivery on Monday. I've not once brought my own cleaning supplies & my daughter has had the best stationary offered for school & college
20
8
1
1,129
100,169
When I make a cup of tea in the office kitchen I see how far away I can get while lobbing the spoon into the sink. Today I achieved both my furthest distance, near the window, , and also managed to knock the handle off a very ornate cricket-themed mug.
6
3
312
42,866
Load more