◢ M i k e D i v a ◣

I am settling in for a showing of ‘Melania’ and the theater is PACKED! Earlier, a bystander asked if I was heading in to see Avatar, and I stopped dead in my tracks. “Avatar? No, son,” I curtly replied. “I don’t watch woke movies. I’m here to see the groundbreaking documentary about our incredibly talented First Lady.” The man’s two little girls began jumping up and down, pulling on his sleeve, and begging, “Daddy, we want to see Melania!” “But. But…” he stammered, “I thought you girls wanted to see Zootopia 2?” “No, no, NO,” they said, now nearly shouting. “We want to see Melania!! She is the most beautiful First Lady EVER.” Their father was scrambling, stressed out, and disoriented. “Girls, I’m afraid you aren’t the only ones who are captivated by President Trump and his beautiful wife,” I said, kneeling to get on their level. “Virtually everyone in this theater is here for the 7:30 PM showing, and it’s been sold out for days.” Tears began to well up in their eyes. “But…” I said in a hushed tone, “I happen to have a few extra tickets with me, and I’d like you and your dad to have them.” They jumped for joy and began hugging their father. He looked relieved as he wiped the sweat off his brow with a smile. I handed him the tickets and pulled him close. “Raise these girls right,” I whispered. “Teach them to be classy conservative women of faith like Melania, don’t let them become like Meghan Markle. Capisce?” He hugged me and thanked me profusely. “What are you going to do now?” He asked. “Don’t worry about me, son,” I told him, with a twinkle in my eye. “I’ve already got tickets to the next showing.”

Inspired by their own '90s commercial where the heads of children turned into fruit, Gushers has released a new Halloween short film titled FRUITHEAD that you can watch right here. Bradley Whitford stars!

these guys would have done a killer rendition of Unholy