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Former HKT48 Kodama Haruka discusses her mental health struggles "Suddenly, I became unable to sign or dance, even though those were the things I'd always been able to do normally. There were times during concerts when we were one minute away from going onstage and I'd suddenly burst into tears and collapse on the floor. I was in a state where I couldn't even understand what was happening to me. The incident that pushed me over the edge happened at (the Yume no Kouhaku Senbatsu section of) Kouhaku Uta Gassen in 2016. We'd been told that the members who thought they were in TOP 3 should gather in the middle. Since my name still hadn't been called, I ran toward the center but there were already three members standing there whom everyone expected to be in TOP 3. Naturally, the whole thing became a huge joke online. There were so many comments about it and reading them made me feel incredibly depressed. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I was so unwell that I genuinely thought I might never be able to return to society. I was told that when depression becomes as severe as mine had, the chance of returning to the cheerful Haruka I used to be was only 10%. I was terrified that if I stopped working, I'd cause problems for everyone and lose the place where I belonged. I always lived my life believing that I could never possibly develop depression. So I couldn't accept what was happening to me. The moment I woke up in the morning, I'd be overwhelmed by feelings of guilt. There were so many days when I simply couldn't stop crying. My mother would always come and hug me, telling me she will protect me. I still remember those words so vividly. (A turning point in her recovery came when she spent time with her grandparents) When you're driving around, you see potato fields and elderly people working in them. I realised that these people probably didn't even know who I was. They definitely didn't care what ranking I achieved or how many Handshake Tickets I sold. The moment I realised something so obvious, I felt an enormous sense of relief."