zombiezoo @crikey

The best things in life are free. My neighbor's unsecured wi-fi, for instance.

I can't believe it. I saw on the news where a midget got pick pocketed in broad daylight...how could anyone stoop so low?

Just finished watching that movie where Julia Roberts has a lot of teeth.

Didn't Give A Fuck Yesterday. Don't Give A Fuck Today. Probably Won't Give A Fuck Tomorrow.

The moment when you serve cereal in a bowl, open the fridge, and realize there is no milk. I mean It doesnt get much worse than that.

A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.

I once dated a girl who owned a parrot. That crazy thing would never shut up. The parrot was kind of cool, though.

Worry about your character, not your reputation. Your character is who you are, your reputation is who people think you are.

I'd jump in front of a train for you. As long as it's not moving.

Pay phones should be replaced with chargers for cell phones.

Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"

I'm still trying to get over the fact that oranges come presliced by nature.