Al Christakis

Starting a free standup show at stop and shop without their knowledge or permission(yet) hit me up if you arnt a coward, have a tight 15 and also some heelies to bail if shit goes south

Lactose got my man pussy queefing out a storm of shit

Idea for a movie "The Turd locker" it's like the hurt locker except instead of the hurt lockers plot, it's Jeremy Renner and he has to shit in Gwyneth Paltrows pussy to stop the puss candles. On a side note, I have a cold and took way too much robutussen.

Just took a shit so bad I apologized to a God I don't believe in

Brieana- "I don't know hes froglike but not like in a cool way"

Getting forcibly removed from the Applebee's for saying puss-fart to many times

Apperently the ATM doesn't accept quarters? The fuck am I even paying for this is communism

I have sausage stuck in my teeth which is a worse tradgedy to me than Pearl Harbor just because Pearl Harbor did not effect me really

You can suck off my father. You can give him sloppy top. Cause if you give top and if it dont slop then my dads not gonna pop😢 As soon as I get this pulitzer prize for poetry I will boof it cowards

White women hipsters all dressed like bob the builder, dude just cause you like radiohead doesnt make you a house painter

I feel like most of the concerts I go to the ratio of dudes to autistic dudes with mustaches is off the charts

I got a new idea for a show where King Charles gets eaten by a bear because hes a old pedophile, the premise is that King Charles gets eaten by a bear cause hes a old pedophile

Amyl and the Sniffers?? More like Joe Biden's favorite band!! Ey oh eyyyyyyy(I'm quitting comedy ima go live in the woods)

Foolproof ways to cure depression -cucumber -seran wrap -several bees Now if we could just find the right order we can solve this

If I was gay you think I wouldnt say hootie who, wheres the goo?? Everytime I was horny you're out of your mind

I dont know a polite way to tell someone that they have dried cum in their beard, so I'm just gonna tip this barista and mind my business.

I'm starting a GoFundMe for a gallon of gas, plz donate

I like to think that "P. Diddy" stands for Penis Diddy, like a sea shanty about cock

My grandpa's a real dads' dad if you know what I mean.