Amy

Lockdown, Day 42. Deep Thoughts: I can make a skeleton dance any time I want, I just have to dance.

House Arrest, Day 21: I only wear swimsuits now.

Anyone else drink a bottle of wine last night and wake up to a sassy new haircut? #Coronatine #selfentertainment

I tried an online dating app. So many male nipples. I would next like to try an app for men who own shirts.

TBH, the guy who works at the convenience store my house has anticipated my needs better than any man I've ever dated.

When life hands you lemons, you must be in Arizona during citrus season. Could you please also take a bag of grapefruit?

Home haircuts when sad have saved me thousands of dollars on therapy.

At this point, I'd settle for any person for President who could pass the Turing Test. #anyoneelseforpresident

Why, yes, this dim lighting in my home is mood lighting. (Mood: didn't feel like cleaning.)

I usually have pretty good self esteem, until a public bathroom faucet lets me know I'm invisible.

Greetings from a mexican restaurant bathroom, where I am currently hiding from tortilla chips until my meal arrives. #sohungry #nowillpower

This handmade kazoo, The State I'm In, and other weird and wonderful things I've made are for sale tonight at @Space55 after Night of the Chicken at 8pm. Or visit sweetassmerch.com #woodworking #kazoo

I touched a piece of sandpaper, and correctly guessed it was 220 grit. I'M YOUR GRANDPA NOW.

Another One Bites the Dust: A Tale of Optimism and Loss, the unauthorised biography of my fridge's produce drawer #IwanttobethewomanIamwhenatthefarmersmarket

Neewww thuuummbs, wjhhoooo disdss??

Everyone Else Left and I'm Home Alone with Leftover Bacon: a short story

If you feel nostalgia about a childhood food, may I suggest never eating it again? #betterinmemories #keepthedreamalive

Use my body as a weapon? Only in the battle against feeling bleh. #excercise #outrunmyself

I'm usually a good listener, but maybe it's time to figure out how to add please-wrap-up-your-talking music into the mix.

Rain makes everything more romantic. Especially solitude.