Just an average man trying to be an average dad. https://xitter.cf/t.co/WKYWkAyg2L
Nunya, Bizniss
Joined November 2019
- Tweets16.8K
- Following955
- Followers13.1K
- Likes20.8K
Pinned Tweet
“Dad isn’t it weird that the word chicken can mean an animal or a type of food?”
- my kid, on the verge of making a horrific realization
Hanging out with your friends who work in healthcare and somebody will be like then the patient’s jim jam went weeba wubba and everyone else will be like OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIOXNFVSGAYWIFKGDV
Average Dad retweeted
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I'm on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.
Average Dad retweeted
Went to a kid’s birthday party where they gave away slime and glitter glue. So I’m signing up the parents as volunteers for every school event
Average Dad retweeted
Shout out to the mom who is planning an "Elsa - Minion - Spider - Kitty Cat - Wrecking Ball" themed birthday party for her 3yo.
Average Dad retweeted
I’m attaching my smart watch to my foot so I’ll get steps every time I step on the gas pedal
Average Dad retweeted
I’m powering through today’s to-list by adding everything to tomorrow’s to-do list.
Average Dad retweeted
Can’t, I have to stand around in the aisle of a store looking confused hoping an employee will stop to assist me because I’m too scared to ask for help
Average Dad retweeted
me: when I was a kid, we had to get up off the couch to change the channel.
my 9yo: you can still do that if you want to.
*visibly frustrated 2yo, makes a throwing motion towards me with her arm*
Me: uh what was that?
2: I throw tantrum!
Average Dad retweeted
Me: I don't know how this day could get any worse.
Daughter [staring at the back of my head]: How do you have two bald spots?
Average Dad retweeted
Them: Don't let someone live rent-free in your head.
Me: They're right.
*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*
Average Dad retweeted
I wouldn’t give these kids the iPad earlier and a few minutes earlier I could hear them whispering “hey siri unlock the iPad” and “hey siri show us the code.”
Average Dad retweeted
I’m at a kid’s skate party and the rink is more treacherous than MarioKart, but, to add insult to injury, they’re only playing Christian rock. Not sure it gets much worse than this.