Dean Vitale

The closer I get to death, the more urgently I feel the need to share the love of God and the saving grace that comes from Jesus Christ, the Son of God and my personal Lord and Savior. I’m getting very close to the end of a battle that I have fought my whole life. I have lost nearly every strength that a body can lose. It has been gradual, but consistent. I have lost ability after ability after ability. (to run, to walk, to jump, to bathe, to do anything on my own) I have gradually lost every independence, every hobby, every dream. I used to be a textile artist and a songwriter and a novel writer and a poet. I used to have a career and I used to go to parties and I used to travel and I used to go camping and boating and more. Now, if most people saw how I live, they would say I have no quality of life. I am stuck in a wheelchair or in a bed. I have very little use of my arms and hands so I can read and listen to audiobooks, and with the little energy that I have, I can share the love of God. That is all I want to do because, even though it makes no sense, even though I feel so terrible in my body, I can be nothing but grateful. That is because my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ has been beside me since I was five years old and I began to recognize that I was different from the other kids. He was beside me when I was diagnosed at the age of 15 with an illness that would never get better, only ever worse. He was beside me when I became a mom and felt such inadequacy because of the things I couldn’t do as a mother. He was beside me when I had to give up driving. When I had to quit my job because I physically couldn’t do it anymore. He was beside me through every risky surgery, every broken bone, every fall, every loss. And not just present through every loss, he didn’t just sustain me. He blessed me hugely. Abundantly. With joy, with peace, and with hope that I could never understand. He has replaced every loss with more of himself and more of his joy, and I can’t count the number of times that I have been struggling and suffering, physically, I mean in the nittiest grittiest kind of suffering, in the fight for my life, and I have just smiled because he has filed me with such joy that it doesn’t make sense. And it isn’t just for me. The blessings he has given me have blessed my loved ones too. It’s hard for them to see me like this. It’s been hard for them to witness my decades long decline. It’s to the point where they are praying for my fight to be over, because it would absolutely be a mercy. I’ve never shared a lot of details about my life, because I hate the pity. I hate pity more than just about anything, and I’m certainly not looking for validation. But I think it’s important for me to share some of these very ugly details because a lot of people are suffering and I want them to know how good God is, even in the terrible. Especially in the terrible. I’ve been on my deathbed before and God graciously gave me a few extra years. But I was recently given the prognosis of congestive heart failure and I’m growing weaker by the day. But God! In the strangest way, in this most trying period of my life (which is really saying something!) I have felt the presence of God like never before. I have felt his goodness and love and peace so intensely that I would not trade this suffering for health if it meant I would have to give up this intimacy with Jesus. This is the peace that surpasses understanding and I want to encourage anyone who is in the midst of a trial (and who isn’t?) to do the simplest and easiest thing in the world: turn to Jesus. Right now, as you are, call on the Lord. His grace will cover you. He will renew your strength. He will comfort you with his spirit. He will uphold you with his righteous right hand. He will show you the truth. He will save you from eternity in hell. He will guard you, guide you, and bless you. He will help you in very present, very real ways. Call on him and be saved.