This is where I document my recovery from complex trauma. How did I do it? Therapy with a licensed trauma therapist for 5 years. (IFS and EMDR).
In Recovery
Joined October 2021
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I was traumatized when I was very young. I spent my entire life dissociated, disconnected, anxious and depressed. I wanted to feel better but nobody was able to help. Eventually I connected the dots and realized the suffering I experienced had a name and it was "complex trauma".
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Nowadays I can gracefully accept compliments from people without feeling unworthy. The way I was raised caused me have a lot of self hatred, self loathing and shame for decades. I feel huge compassion for the wounded me, who hated herself.
The only reason I admit shameful things like this is because I know a lot of people beat themselves up about not having the energy to clean their homes or wash their dishes. It's not a moral failing. It doesn't mean you're broken. It's a symptom and it can be healed.
I let my dirty dishes pile up for four days. That used to be normal for me. When my trauma was really bad I used to let the dishes go unwashed for a week. I feel shame admitting that. Yesterday I got 90% of the dishes clean and that felt so good, like a major accomplishment.
Nowadays I can gracefully accept compliments from people without feeling unworthy. The way I was raised caused me have a lot of self hatred, self loathing and shame for decades. I feel huge compassion for the wounded me, who hated herself.
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I recently read something on social media. A woman was saying she stopped working out every day and added more rest days and her fitness improved a lot. As a recovering workaholic that really stuck with me, the necessity of rest.
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Rest days are where growth happens. There’s no benefit in working until exhaustion everyday.
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People need to be prepared for the period of early recovery during which challenging emotions will arise due to withdrawal. And before your brain chemicals reset so you can experience happiness. This is common but also temporary.
I recently read something on social media. A woman was saying she stopped working out every day and added more rest days and her fitness improved a lot. As a recovering workaholic that really stuck with me, the necessity of rest.
Today I finally returned to my EFT tapping meditations on the Tapping App. It felt so good! The combination of the positive affirmations and the tapping on the meridian points is a wonderful antidote to negative thoughts.
This makes sense!
Today I learned a term called 'Delayed Selfhood': When a child lives in a high-stress survival mode, their brain prioritizes the amygdala (the fear center) over the prefrontal cortex (the social and emotional learning center). When that person finally reaches a safe place in adulthood( financially or physically ), the "freeze" thaws, and they suddenly have to learn things like social cues or how to trust that others learned at age five.. 1//3
I'm thrilled my flu is mostly healed now and I can use my calming vagus breath at bedtime. When my flu was bad every deep breath triggered painful coughing. Now I can use my breathwork tools again.
I had a relative who used arguing as a way to crush people. For her, arguing was a way to feel strong and powerful. Needless to say whenever her points were being refuted, she always changed the subject to something else because for her it was necessary to win at all costs.
During my five years of trauma therapy, as I healed my trauma I started being able to love and accept myself unconditionally. Then I became able to accept that love and appreciation from others.
If you have a disagreement with someone, observe how they argue. Reasonable people respectfully listen to you. Toxic people argue around in circles and constantly shift goalposts. They also use strawman arguments and other logical fallacies. Their goal is to win at all costs.
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Voice and choice are so important in trauma recovery.
Often these were the things that were taken away during trauma.
They can be reclaimed in recovery.
💗❤️🩹It is so important to be able to accurately name your emotions.
