Dumbledore: HARRY! HARRY! HARRY! WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SITTING AT THE SLYTHERIN TABLE?! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE IN GRYFFINDOR! Harry: Well, somehow they kicked me out because I have a problem. They said I'm an enemy magnet, so Dracaena invited me to Slytherin, and here I am. Dumbledore: ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WHO THE FUCK DID THAT?! RON?! HERMIONE?! GINNY?! DEAN?! NEVILLE?! WHO THE FUCK IS RESPONSIBLE?! Harry: Sir, please calm down. Everyone said I bring too much trouble to Gryffindor. Dumbledore: CALM DOWN?! HARRY, YOU'VE SAVED THIS FUCKING SCHOOL MORE TIMES THAN I'VE HAD LUNCH! YOU'VE FOUGHT TROLLS, BASILISKS, DEATH EATERS, AND A FUCKING DARK LORD! AND NOW YOUR OWN HOUSE KICKS YOU OUT BECAUSE YOU'RE AN ENEMY MAGNET?! Harry: Technically, sir, they're not wrong. Dumbledore: THAT IS NOT THE FUCKING POINT, YOU LITTLE SHIT! Harry: Well, Dracaena said Slytherin would welcome me. She even saved me a seat. Dumbledore: ... Dumbledore: SNAPE! YOU GREASY-HAIRED BASTARD! THIS IS YOUR FUCKING PLAN, ISN'T IT?! YOU FINALLY STOLE MY BOY! Snape: Albus, I assure you that I had absolutely nothing to do with— Dumbledore: SHUT THE FUCK UP, SEVERUS! I'M HAVING A FUCKING CRISIS! Harry: Dracaena also gave me chocolate. Dumbledore: SHE GAVE YOU CHOCOLATE?! Harry: Yes, sir. Dumbledore: OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE! GRYFFINDOR THREW AWAY THE BOY WHO LIVED, AND SLYTHERIN GOT HIM WITH ONE FUCKING SEAT AND A PIECE OF CHOCOLATE?! Harry: She also said she wanted me to feel welcome. Dumbledore: 107363922563828363 FUCKTILLION POINTS TO SLYTHERIN! Harry: Sir, that's my new house! Dumbledore: I KNOW, HARRY! THAT'S WHY I'M FUCKING CRYING! Harry: Dracaena is waving at me. Dumbledore: DON'T YOU DARE WAVE BACK! Harry: Too late. Dumbledore: HARRY JAMES POTTER, YOU TRAITOROUS LITTLE SHIT! Harry: What? She's my friend. Dumbledore: FRIEND?! SHE HASN'T EVEN HAD TO FIGHT VOLDEMORT FOR YOU YET, AND SHE'S ALREADY TREATING YOU BETTER THAN YOUR OWN FUCKING HOUSE! Snape: Perhaps Slytherin has finally demonstrated some admirable qualities. Dumbledore: SEVERUS, I SWEAR TO MERLIN, IF YOU SMIRK ONE MORE TIME, I'LL STUFF YOUR ENTIRE HEAD INTO THE HOUSE CUP! Harry: So, can I stay in Slytherin? Dumbledore: YES, YOU LITTLE SHIT! STAY THERE! ENJOY YOUR CHOCOLATE! ENJOY YOUR FUCKING PRINCESS! ENJOY YOUR NEW HOUSE! Harry: Thanks, Professor! Dumbledore: AND ANOTHER 107363922563828363 FUCKTILLION POINTS TO SLYTHERIN! Harry: WHY?! Dumbledore: BECAUSE GRYFFINDOR HAS OFFICIALLY LOST THE PLOT, SNAPE IS SMUG, AND I'M GOING TO SPEND THE REST OF THIS FUCKING SEMESTER FIGURING OUT WHICH OF MY STUDENTS NEEDS TO BE HIT WITH A CHAIR!

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