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ABC got a restraining order against Fact. MS NOW called animal control on him. We got him a mug. ☕
Win one free, shipping included: follow @BelowAvgNews, then like + repost this. Bonus entry at the link. Ends Tue 11/10, 1 PM ET.
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MS NOW just installed airbags in its anchor desk in case Democrats lose even one close race.
During rehearsal, they went off when an intern walked by in a red tie.
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Travis Kelce has been flagged for excessive choreography after his touchdown dance ran into the fourth quarter.
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Liked this? Win a free BAN mug: follow @BelowAvgNews, then like + repost the pinned post by Tue 11/10 1 PM ET. Free, US 18+. Rules: belowaveragenews.com/giveawa…
'Unsportsmanlike conduct, excessive choreography, number 87,' the back judge announced. 'Encore declined.'
Democrats in tight midterm races are suddenly posing in duck blinds and bragging about their shotguns. Campaign staff confirm it's a limited-time offer that ends when the polls close Tuesday.
Ducks have been told to expect them again in 2028.
Ten failed election themes. #1 is "Ask Your Doctor If Democracy Is Right For You," with 40 seconds of side effects after every projection. #4 is "October Surprise, 2026." The network hired a man to jump out of a cake and he has been in the cake since Labor Day.
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Kara Swisher says jailing your critics is the greatest threat to democracy. That's why her whiteboard of cell assignments is in dry-erase. Elon gets Cell 1.
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Mechanic charges an $89 diagnostic fee to find out whether the diagnostic fee was necessary. "Had to make sure I wasn't ripping you off," said Jim, of Honest Jim's Honest Auto Shop, Honestly.
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Hour one: "Ten minutes." Hour two: hammer setting. Hour three: shop vac, set to blow. Hour four: the pumpkin has one eye and the ceiling fan has the rest.
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Your new fridge now needs a $14.99-a-month "Chill Plus" plan to keep food cold. Miss one payment and it locks the cheese drawer. Your 2009 fridge held 34 degrees for 15 years and never once asked for a credit card.
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The only news email that admits it's satire. Sign up free by Tue 11/17, 1 PM ET and you're entered to win a free BAN mug, shipping included. ☕ Already a subscriber? Enter at the link too.
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Rules: sign up at the link by Tue 11/17, 1 PM ET = 1 entry (subscribers too). US 18+, 1/email, no purchase. Winner emailed a code: free mug w/ free US shipping, or $18 + free shipping toward any shop item. Good 30 days. Not sponsored by X.
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Follow @BelowAvgNews + like + repost = 1 entry. +1: X handle at link (max 2). US 18+, no purchase, 1/person. Draw 11/10. Winner DM'd a code: free mug w/ free US shipping, or $18 + free shipping toward any shop item. Good 30 days. Not sponsored by X.
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MS NOW's Stephanie Ruhle says France's rioters are just hurting over the wealth gap. Police report the gap is closing fast, one 75-inch TV at a time.
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A Republican trailed by 14 in the polls and won by 2. The pollsters say that's well within their margin of error, which is 16. It's printed on a rubber band, so it stretches when it needs to.
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Mom tried to bite the stegosaurus nugget into a T. rex. The 2-year-old studied it and ruled it "a broken one," a separate species banned from the tray since July.
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