Dirty Lefty

WARNING: If you live in the UK, you are legally required to seek government approval before reading this post. Failure to comply with the law will result in a £10,000 fine and up to three years in prison. If you’ve successfully completed all relevant authorisation checks, please read on. The Labour government has taken many important steps to improve your life in recent months—and interestingly all of them involve banning things. They’re not banning the bad things though, like arms sales to Israel, private water companies, data centres, or Ed Sheeran. No, they’re banning everything that could reasonably be considered fun or cool. Thank god. Many of those steps involve age-gating the internet and just happen to fit snugly with big tech’s goal of creating a mass surveillance state. In a massive coincidence, all other countries are planning to take the same steps. It’s almost like Palantir has dirt on our politicians, and in the interest of fairness, it wants dirt on you too. Lisa Nandy was dismayed when the public discriminated against corrupt politicians by rejecting her plan for digital ID, so age-gating is her work around. One way or another, evil people are gonna know everything you are doing— and I mean everything. Yes, I can see you picking your nose through your web cam. Don’t even think of flicking it, or I’ll report you to Lisa for a health and safety violation. The Secretary for Culture, Media and Sport has explained she’s not remotely interested in improving culture, media, or sport because “who cares about any of that crap?” Instead, she’s focused on “the risks of an open internet”, such as a fifteen-year-old finding a nice cardigan on Etsy. Heaven forbid, teenagers might actually be fashion conscious these days. Under new regulations, platforms that sell vintage clothing are being reclassified as “high-risk of nude solicitation”. If you fancy treating yourself to a new outfit because you want a dopamine hit to make life in this totalitarian hellhole bearable, guess what? You’re uploading your passport, scanning your face, answering a 50-page questionnaire, submitting your entire browsing history and a DNA sample. Failure to complete the process will result in the loss of 50 social credit points and your bank account being frozen. For your convenience, the war on danger is not gonna stay confined to the digital realm—eventually everything offline is gonna be banned to ensure a uniform level of safety. A leaked memo has revealed the government’s rationale: Sweets are potentially choking hazards. Pocket calculators can be used to spell “80085”. Stores could have kidnappers lurking inside. Roads sometimes result in kids being run over. We should definitely ban kids from crossing roads to stop them being hit by cars. In fact, we should keep kids indoors forever and not let them do anything in the house either because heaven forbid, something bad might happen. It’s not like it’s our job as parents to teach our kids to safely navigate the world. Kids should not be allowed to hang out with their mates, or call them on a smart phone, or play games with them online, or interact with their peers in any way. What are kids allowed to do these days, you might ask—and the answer is absolutely nothing. Just to keep them safe. As Lisa Nandy put it: “The safest place for a child is a windowless room where they can stare at a blank wall that’s been approved by Ofcom. The only acceptable form of entertainment is an infinite supply of homework.” Remember, it’s not just under-16s that are required to behave at all times—it’s you too. The new legislation is so broad and vague that technically everything is a crime now. While police lack the resources to prosecute the entire population, they have no intention of doing so. They just want to lock up the people with the wrong opinions. Fortunately, authorities can now see every time you log into Porn Hub. If there happens to be any face-sitting in your choice of adult entertainment, police will seize all of your devices and investigate you for posting “Free Palestine” on Twitter, you filthy pervert. Be in no doubt that if you express the wrong opinion, police will find an excuse to jail you. Obviously, this is a clever short-term solution to the problem of the public becoming too aware of things, but more work needs to be done. The next step involves AI-based tech that will instantly correct everything you post. Google has developed tools so sophisticated they can even change speech and lip movements on live streams. This means that you’ll never know if someone is really saying what they appear to be saying again. Obviously this doesn’t solve the problem of face-to-face human interaction. Therefore Lisa Nandy has announced that her ultimate goal is for all human contact to be age-gated. The government is designing an app that will require you to enter another person’s details to seek interaction approval. If approval is granted, you’ll be allocated a set time to speak to that person, but the full conversation must be recorded. Exceeding the allowed talking time will result in a fine equivalent to your annual salary. Failure to seek approval or record the interaction will result in a life sentence. Nandy says the new system is so safe and secure that she’s confident nothing bad will ever happen again.