Chance The Snapper - The Humboldt Gator

I wish I was back in Chicago. I'd have exclusive run of the park, and not surrounded by a bunch of Floridians sneezing on me who think Coronavirus is just the flu. Anyway, support this campaign back home and help some medical professionals kick COVID ass: gofundme.com/f/medical-prote…

INT. FLORIDA GATOR PENTHOUSE, NIGHT Chance drops into his hot tub and cracks open a Hamm’s. He smiles. CUT TO: EXT. HUMBOLDT LAGOON, NIGHT Alligator Bob stuffs another stick of dynamite into a chicken leg and tosses it into the water. He pushes back tears. FADE OUT. The End

That Pequod’s goes straight to your hips. It’s a feature, not a bug.

Someone just sent me this notification Aw, you guys are still tracking me?? Wait, no one told Bob about this, right? I’m not sure he’s given up on finding me.

They are taking me here: alligatorfarm.com And I'm sure you can address Chicago postcards ATTN: Chance The Snapper

But I can only get 3-star Ubers to get me there?

Y’all are jealous in Michigan

Some alligators are tired of high taxes, too.

Yah but is there Malort?

I’m really gonna miss this place. But you know what they say: You can take the gator out of Humboldt Park Lagoon but you can’t ever wash the stink away so it’s impossible to forget where you came from even if you tried really hard—not that you would want to.

Also, I’m kinda looking forward to my own straight-to-streaming movie “Gators On A Plane” based on the shenanigans I’m planning for tomorrow.

Chicago, this past week has been amazing. I am honored to have been the mascot you didn’t ask for, it apparently needed. Thanks for looking for me and for finding me. I feel seen.

I think we all know how that ends. Bob shows up to chanting crowds, wanders around the ring for a while as I watch. Chanting intensifies. Frank drops in from the ceiling, hooks me, silencing the crowd. Then, in a surprise move, together we beat the living shit out of Bob.

And just like that I’m considering a Lord Thunderpants tattoo.

We know he can catch, we’re about to find out if he can throw. Oh, also, not mentioned in the article is the fact that he will indeed throw me.

You do what ya gotta do on Twitter. It’s a swamp out there.

Ummmmmm.... he didn’t do it alone. I was instrumental in this operation.