I want to remind everybody that I'm just a random dude who tweets dad jokes. Direct your ecoli tweets to @chipotletweets

But, I can make balloon animals

I consider that a win

The answer is yes. I haven't been in since the early 90s

Thanks for letting me and my crew know, but just an fyi we dropped the myspace guy a long time ago - he was a dick

I'll give it my best, but the odds of me catching you are not great

Congratulations, but I'm going to need a paternity test

Absolutely, but be very careful our beans are extremely hot.

I probably deserve the verbal tongue lashing, but just to clarify my pronouns are he, him.

Not opposed, but perhaps a coffee date first.

At this point my hits are few and far between

To be fair, they're not the only ones who think my "you definitely can judge a book by its cover" take is problematic

Al lives next door and is a good dude

"It" is a bit rude, but I get your point. Also, it's not really a mystery - I got old.

If you insist, it's 25,622

Thanks, but elite is a stretch. I'm solidly mediocre on a good day

But, you never call. ☹️

Wait! What????

Sorry about that - I gotta get my mansplaining under control

Line forms to the right

Guessing my orange check mark means that my jokes are certified fresh. #thanksElon