American mom making jokes and preparing for Aussie life https://nitter.gq/t.co/NBxTxkudiB
Joined August 2019
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You keep saying go fuck yourself like that’s not exactly what I want to be doing right now.
If you want to know what it’s like having a second child my postpartum hair loss is growing in grey.
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Me: I have a newborn so I’m going to keep Thanksgiving really low key this year
Also me: *makes the exact same dinner as every year because I couldn’t possibly leave out a dish*
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I’m really glad I lost 15 pounds so I can wear the new “in” style of jeans and look like I put them right back on
81
Them: *aggressively sniffs newborn*
I just LOVE this smell!
Me: he literally came out of my vag and hasn’t had a bath yet
1
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Important question: if the bottle brush sprays me with hot soapy water when I pull it out of the bottle does that count as a shower?
88
Me: proud of myself for remembering to preheat the pan
Also me: had the wrong burner on the whole time
Me: *spends all day taking daughter to activities and meeting her every need*
Daughter: *lays in bed singing a song about how much she loves Dad*
1
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Friend: *has a baby*
Other friends: omg so beautiful 🥹
Me: isn’t it weird you had that whole-ass baby inside you a few hours ago
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Husband: *pours himself a glass of wine without offering me one*
Me: You could have just said you want a divorce
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