Devon Swift

Nov 17th. Just spotted a fruit fly in my kitchen. Trying not to get too excited. I kept one till Dec 23rd once so a ways to go yet. #breathe

Just found out the Fed Ex guy thinks I keep an untidy house. :( (Hangs head in shame) ooo a Malteser! Yes!

Heard a sportscaster say he just witnessed one of the longest deuces ever. #disturbing

Instagram: Creating memories that never really existed.

Watching CNN and just realized there's never any stories on quicksand. When I was a kid quicksand killed more people than cigarettes.

If we leave a restaurant together and I tell you I left my jacket at the table, I'm totally going back to scoop your tip money.

Just unfollowed all famous people. Only following regular Joes now. Special thanks to those celebrities who flew in for the exit interview.

Show me a pic from the 1920's and instead of marveling at it I'm more likely to point at dudes - he's dead, he's dead, oh he's totally dead.

My lower bowel just made the sound Pac-Man does when he dies. *Readies the Febreze*

Stephen Hawking loses $100 bet thanks to the Higgs Boson discovery. Smart man making it a cash bet and not a dare.

Sure glad there's no insect Geneva Convention because I just put a silverfish to sleep with a quarter can of Pledge. #dirtnap

It's ferry season so don't hesitate to out those a-holes that insist on using "The Club"

Has Buble ever met a Bubble Boy?

My Little Kony. #AwfulKidsToys

I take elevators two floors at a time.

I may have a packing peanut allergy. A few more tests still to do but not looking good. :(

In my previous tweet I initially spelled it (death nail) Just so we're clear.

They say attention is the new currency. This is sure to be the final death knell for vending machines.

I refuse to take advice from someone who's walked the earth for 40-plus years thinking it's "tick" of the iceberg. Time for a new OBGYN.