Germ World

Sometimes when I’m overwhelmed in public I go to the bathroom just to be alone, but then worry if I leave too soon people will think I peed without washing my hands, so I just stand there and imagine peeing and rinsing to accurately time it.

Just turned in my final essay and noticed that instead of “humanities” I accidentally wrote “humantitties”

Mayonnaise would sound like an elegant word if we didn’t know what it was. Like a room in a hotel that you’d throw a ball in

When I was in kindergarten, I got a project to bring a bag full of purple objects to school. I came back the next day with my bag only to realize everyone else had brought orange things. I was the only idiot with purple. It was humiliating! Stupid, Dylan. Stupid!

You ever try and pick up a pencil and it goes flyin across the room for no reason?

I’m such an anxious hesitant driver it’d actually probably be safer if I had a few shots before getting behind the wheel

When I try to speak it’s like jazz. You never know what order I’m gonna structure my sentences and I just might leave some words out altogether.

Been trying to figure out how to delete my Facebook account since I was 13. Finally hired a Facebook account assassin and took care of the job.

I done knew

My dad was telling me about how he experimented in college. Not with sex or drugs, but with alternative’s to his favorite tex-mex restaurant.

Loneliness has become an evolutionary trait. Lack of human contact is why I will survive the upcoming apocalypse. Burn bridges with your friends now if you wish to join me.

Kid gets lost in Hell’s Kitchen. Tries to explain to his mom over the phone but isn’t allowed to curse. Kid on Phone: I’m in... uh... kitchen. Mom on Phone: I’m checking the kitchen! Where are you!?