Ed Paluch

Okay, I sat down and translated parts of yet another pompous statement from Jared Kushner about Trump’s incredible peace initiatives, explaining what his carefully worded euphemisms actually mean, so you don’t have to. “…the need for a broader European security architecture that can help establish the conditions for lasting peace…” = “Europe will have to completely capitulate to Putin, make him the master of the continent, and live under his dictates, because we’re absolutely itching to get our hands on Lukoil’s foreign assets.” “For more than 30 years, Europe and Russia have struggled to establish a sustainable security framework.” = “For decades, Europe and the entire West enjoyed peace and stability, until Putin, in his old age, suddenly got the itch to conquer Ukraine again, fucked it up spectacularly, and now somehow that’s everybody else’s problem.” “Our objective is to develop practical arrangements that address the security concerns of all sides, reduce the risk of future conflict, and create a more stable and predictable security environment.” = “You will be required to surrender everything and remain defenseless, while Putin will give you absolutely nothing in return and won’t be obliged to do a damn thing.” “Decades of mistrust, competing security concerns, and the devastating consequences of this war make this an extraordinarily difficult challenge, but one that is essential to lasting peace.” = “And we’re also going to blame you and Ukraine for Russia’s aggressive imperialism.” “Any arrangements must fully respect the sovereignty, territorial integrity, and independent decision-making of every nation.” = “And Putin will decide where your sovereignty begins and ends, where your borders lie, and just how much independence you’re allowed to have.” “Each country will retain authority over its own security and alliances, and no country would have a veto over another’s sovereign choices.” = “Yes, unless Putin decides that you’re not actually a real country at all, but an inseparable part of Russia’s sphere of influence, and that your ability to defend yourself against an invasion constitutes an existential threat to Russia.” “We will consult closely with our European partners on the sidelines and, if progress is made, aim to move toward a broader multilateral format with their direct participation.” = “Nobody is going to discuss a damn thing with Ukraine or Europe. There won’t be, and never has been, anything here except our attempts to sell out and betray you to Putin for the highest possible price. And I’ll throw in a whole bunch of meaningless, boilerplate diplomatic phrases to make this bullshit look vaguely serious and respectable.” “There are no easy solutions.” = “Russia could simply get the hell out of Ukraine and stop launching wars of aggression whenever it wants, but that’s not what Putin is promising us money for.” “We will see how these discussions develop and continue working intensively with all parties toward President Trump’s objective of a comprehensive and lasting peace.” = “Of course, absolutely nothing will come of any of this, just as nothing has come of all the previous years of these ridiculous ‘negotiations,’ during which we’ve been actively helping Putin wage his war. But we couldn’t care less. That’s not what we’re here for.”