@ElonAltman

Comedy Cellar Comedian. Winner of NY's Got Talent. AXS TV Gotham Comedy Live. Co-host of @billyjoelatoz podcast.

 New York, NY
Joined March 2011
  • Tweets11.4K
  • Following1.3K
  • Followers3.6K
2.8KMedia
“I cannot stress enough” - my brain
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Jimmy Savile is finally getting nabbed.
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Everyone: We need to ban AI! Trump, being incredibly literal: Okay the word “AI” is banned.
Andrew Curran
@AndrewCurran_11h
President Trump said today that the US Government will be officially banning the term AI/Artificial Intelligence due to its inaccuracy.
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Showing off my Gossip Girl costume: “This is my Lively hood.”
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Growing up in Manhattan, you’re amazed to see kids on TV trick-or-treating from house to house and not from CVS to CVS.
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AI making science and math discoveries frees up our smartest people to devote their lives to world record video game speedrun attempts.
Andrew Curran
@AndrewCurran_Oct 26
OpenAI has announced to three new discoveries in mathematics, computer science, and physics: - Local smoothing and the Kakeya conjecture - The Exponential Time Hypothesis is false - Existence of quantum chromodynamics and completions of the Standard Model
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Me looking down on the idiots who didn’t invest in pumpkin futures:
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The plan? Lose the first 3 games of the season to bring ticket resale prices down.
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Saved By The Bell lowkey ruined the name Screech. You see barely anyone under 40 with that name.
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Mom: “Why do you refuse to sleep in your childhood bed?” Me: “It’s a boy cot.”
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Vegetarian sandwich shop: Never Meat Your Heros
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Let’s go to the tape
R A W S A L E R T S
@rawsalertsOct 20
🚨 #BREAKING: Virginia man charged with duct taping his wife to a chair so he could watch football upstairs “in peace”
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Pokemonsieur
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Elon Altman retweeted
Elon Altman
@ElonAltmanOct 16
If your parent is a lawyer and you become a lawyer, you’re a depo baby.
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If your parent is a lawyer and you become a lawyer, you’re a depo baby.
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“The city so nice they named it twice. Follow me as we explore scenic Twice, Nebraska.”
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Elon Altman retweeted
Elon Altman
@ElonAltmanOct 14
Vincent visits Art of Play:
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Vincent visits Art of Play:
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I’m gonna buy this for Kelly Clarkson
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Why are people blaming Shane Gillis and not the cue card guy who wrote the word?
LateNighter
@latenightercomOct 11
Shane Gillis drops a live F-bomb on SNL
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Some lady pretending to be Kelly Clarkson walked into the store yesterday. She sang Golden in the original key & the high note broke some of our glass display cases so I asked her to leave. Just another day at work!
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