Every Judged

S07E20 "Journey's End" - Sourpuss Wesley returns, does mushrooms ONE TIME, and is suddenly the White Savior of an indigenous people. He quits the Federation, which he sees as the fascist authoritarian government it truly is. In this essay I will- 3/5

S07E19 "Genesis" - Barclay is back! He turns into a spider as the crew becomes weird prehistoric monsters. Data saves the day and it turns out Barclay was unwittingly responsible for this whole mess, including Troi's near rape by Worf (WTF is this relationship?). Oh, Barclay! 3/5

S07E18 "Eye of the Beholder" - Troi solves a murder mystery and bangs Worf. WTF is this relationship? 2/5

S07E17 "Masks" - Data gets possessed by a Mayan civilization and the Enterprise is nearly conquered by vengeful spirits in a racist-adjacent way that reminds us there are no Latinos on Star Trek. 2/5

S07E16 "Thine Own Self" - Data gets amnesia, becomes the Frankenstein monster, and nearly commits genocide on Barkon IV, some random planet never heard from before or since. Also, Riker makes Troi kill Geordi to get a promotion. 3/5

S07E15 "Lower Decks" - The episode where we discovered everyone on the ship agrees with me that Riker sucks. Now a full ass cartoon! 5/5

Jesus fuck why did I do this? Are the jokes worth it? This place sucks. Here's to another 3 years! Do you remember when you joined X? I do! #MyXAnniversary

S07E14 "Sub Rosa" - Crusher falls in love with an alien ghost that just finished seducing her now-dead grandma. 4/5

S07E13 "Homeward" - Worf hangs with his adoptive brother, who impregnates a primitive woman from a doomed planet. Picard violates the Prime Directive to save these people, and when their leader finds out he kills himself. It's a mess but I love it. 4/5

S07E12 "The Pegasus" - LeVar Burton directs this episode where we discover Riker once defended a shitty commander (LOST's own John Locke) from a justified mutiny. Romulans do Romulan nonsense, Riker goes to jail, and Picard gets him out! NO! LOCK HIM UP! Fucking Riker.

S07E11 "Parallels" - Worf the Ladies' Man travels through multiple realities in which he is Getting It from the hottest members of the various crews. Dude is a beast punching above his weight. 4/5

S07E10 "Inheritance" - Data meets the mom who abandoned him, and she abandons him again. 4/5

S07E09 "Force of Nature" - Data tries to train Spot and some other stuff happens but all that matters is the abundance of Data and Spot action. The rest truly doesn't matter. 2/5

S07E08 "Attached" - The crew comes upon a planet of squabbling races who kidnap Picard and Crusher so they can finally be open about looooooooooooooooving each other in a maze of fireballs. 3/5

S07E07 "Dark Page" - Troi gets into her mom's head. You never want to be inside your mom's head. 2/5

S07E06 "Phantasms" - Data starts dreaming like he's in an episode of "Twin Peaks". Then he starts seeing mini versions of The Langoliers and tries to stab everyone. Spoiler alert: alien shit. 3.5/5

You don't truly become an adult until you realize and accept Star Trek is better than Star Wars.

S07E04+05 "Gambit" - Love these two-parters. Picard is missing, probably killed, but turns out he's just slumming it undercover with some mercenaries. Riker soon joins him. There's a conspiracy that's some convuluted shit dealing with Romulans and Vulcans. It's fun. 3.5/5

S07E03 "Interface" - Do you have mommy issues? Geordi sure does! Men will literally test an interface on a probe in space to talk to a mysterious spirit that may or may not be their mom instead of going to therapy. 3/5

S07E02 "Liaisons" - Picard gets in a "Misery"-type situation when his shuttle crashes and he's rescued by a hot maniac. The situation spirals but Picard is a decent and crafty fellow so it's all resolved rather quickly. Meanwhile, Worf and Riker get annoyed by some aliens. 3.5/5