MATSU​​KI SCORES #SaintsFC FASTEST GOAL SINCE SHANE LONG, CONFIRMS MAN WITH NEWSPAPER PILE Saints’ unofficial statistician Albert Hemlock has declared Kuryu Matsuki’s West Ham strike the club’s fastest since Shane Long’s record-breaker in 2019. Hemlock, 78, conducts all his research in an overgrown greenhouse on the outskirts of the New Forest, surrounded by mountains of Daily Echo back copies, dead calculators and empty biscuit tins. “I’ve checked every goal since Longy’s,” he announced, clutching a 2021 sports supplement. “Matsuki’s was the quickest. 100 seconds, wasn’t it? You can’t argue with that.” Asked whether he’d checked the internet, Hemlock looked appalled. “Internet? That’s how they get you. I’ve got every Echo since 1987. Somewhere.” His methodology involves comparing match reports and estimating elapsed time by how quickly his greenhouse kettle boils. Critics with access to clocks and databases have been dismissed as “Middlesbrough sympathisers”. Malcolm Trousers welcomed the news but had concerns. “I’m delighted, obviously. But why does Albert smell of damp newspaper?” The Hurlock Report remains sceptical. If anyone has a better answer, please pop it in the comments.

West Ham 2–3 Southampton No Larin. No Downes. No problem for #SaintsFC Tonda Eckert’s side arrived at the London Stadium without two important bodies and left with a statement 3-2 win that has the promotion race looking a lot less comfortable for everyone else. Flynn Downes and Cyle Larin were missing through injury; the rest of the squad simply got on with it. It started almost immediately. Leo Scienza danced into the area, forced a point-blank save from Mads Hermansen, and Kuryu Matsuki tucked the rebound away in the second minute. Barely ten minutes later came the moment that will be replayed for months. Caspar Jander’s cross was only partially dealt with; James Bree arrived on the half-volley and lashed it into the roof of the net without breaking stride. It was the sort of finish that has people already calling the right-back the unexpected Shea Charles replacement — not in position, but in the ability to produce something iconic and spectacular when the team needs it. Saints fans in the away end were already singing his name. Kyle Walker-Peters halved the deficit with a rocket of his own on 24 minutes, and for a spell the hosts looked dangerous. Then, in the 34th minute, more soft defending allowed Finn Azaz to shoot straight at Hermansen. The rebound fell to Lewis Dobbin, who snaffled his first competitive goal for the club from close range. The away end erupted. Dobbin had waited for his moment; when it arrived he did not miss. Saints went in at half-time 3-1 up, having scored three times in a frantic opening 35 minutes. The second half was about control and character. West Ham had the ball and the chances (Kilman hit the bar, Peretz made a string of important saves), but Saints remained organised. Daniel Peretz was outstanding throughout and produced one final, flying stop from Taty Castellanos deep into stoppage time after Tomas Soucek’s 93rd-minute consolation had made it 3-2. Those who left early missed the drama; the travelling support never wavered. Optimist Doreen Kennedy was uncharacteristically restrained. “Never in doubt. I told everyone we’d win. Well, I might have said we’d win by two and keep a clean sheet, but you can’t expect everything.” Malcolm Trousers was equally pleased with the result but spent most of the walk back through Westfield Stratford fretting about the price of his post-match burger. “Three points, brilliant. But £14 for a cheeseburger? We’re not in the Premier League yet, love.” The rest of the Saints contingent just smiled. Optimism is back, and it tastes better than any shopping-centre burger. A proper away win against a pre-season title favourite, earned without two key men and sealed by a goalkeeper in form and a right-back who keeps producing special moments. The Championship just got more interesting.

🔴 #SAINTSFC HEADING TO THE LONDON STADIUM. BINOCULARS ARE ESSENTIAL. Southampton travel to West Ham this weekend, where they will experience one of football’s least atmospheric bowls. The ground remains one of the most widely detested away days in English football. The pitch sits so far from the stands that binoculars have become standard kit. The atmosphere is famously flat, the walk from the station is a trek through a shopping centre, and the away end is set up in a way that makes generating any noise almost impossible. It is, in short, a terrible place to watch football. Malcolm Trousers is already preparing for the trip. “The London Stadium is a soulless concrete carbuncle. You’re so far from the pitch you need a telescope to tell where Matsuki is actually playing. Or even if he’s playing at all”. Optimist Doreen Kennedy remains characteristically upbeat. “We have three clean sheets in a row so anything is possible. I’ve heard the view from the upper tier is excellent. And if Saints are rubbish, at least you can watch the planes.” Meanwhile, Tonda Eckert faces another selection headache. Flynn Downes is likely to miss out, while Cyle Larin is a doubt. After weeks of tactical tinkering, second-guessing and team selections that would confuse a chess grandmaster, nobody has the faintest idea who starts on Saturday. Will Tonda pick a striker? Two strikers? A false nine? A false ten? Eleven false dawns? Malcolm has a theory. “He’s overthinking it. Pick the best players you have available, put them in their proper positions and stop treating the Championship like a doctoral thesis”. Doreen, meanwhile, is predicting victory by two clear goals. She has also put £5 on a Saints clean sheet, which Malcolm describes as “an excellent way to donate money to charity, assuming the charity is the bookmaker.” One thing is certain: Saints fans will need their binoculars. Whether to follow the action, locate the nearest toilet or identify which of Tonda’s eleven tactical experiments is currently occupying the right wing remains to be seen.

EFL ACCUSED OF QUIETLY REWRITING HANDBALL RULES FOR #SaintsFC OPPONENTS Southampton 0–0 Bolton Wanderers Saints supporters left St Mary’s convinced the EFL has introduced a secret rule: handball is perfectly acceptable provided the offender is wearing the opposition shirt. A penalty that looked stonewall to the home faithful was waved away by referee Matt Donohue, prompting immediate suspicions that the club’s punishment has quietly been extended to include the laws of football. “First they throw us out of the play-offs, then they deduct points, and now apparently the opposition can play volleyball in their own box,” fumed Malcolm Trousers, speaking from outside a burger bar near the Chapel End. Sadly, Saints cannot blame the officials for everything. After victories over Portsmouth and Norwich, this was an opportunity to turn a promising week into a statement. Instead, Saints managed a third clean sheet, a point and enough missed chances to give the supporters a collective nervous breakdown. Bolton deserve credit for making life difficult, but the overriding feeling was that two points had been left on the pitch. Bolton goalkeeper Gavin Bazunu was spared the indignity of having to make saves. He has now kept almost as many clean sheets at St Mary’s in a Bolton shirt as he did when he was a Saints player. The result leaves Southampton still well placed in the Championship after a strong start, but it was a missed opportunity against a side they were expected to beat. The home record that had been perfect before this game is now blemished, and the sense of grievance over suspicious officiating will not disappear quickly.

TACTICAL GENIUS, OBVIOUSLY: #SAINTSFC FANS NEVER DOUBTED TONDA FOR A SECOND Norwich City 0–1 Southampton Southampton supporters have united in insisting that Tonda Eckert’s team selection at Norwich was a masterstroke that they understood perfectly from the outset. Following Sunday’s glorious 1–0 victory over Portsmouth, Eckert took the bold decision to leave out Leo Scienza, widely regarded by many as Saints’ best player, Cyle Larin, who is clearly the greatest striker ever to grace the Championship, and James Bree, the hero whose goal had delivered derby bragging rights. He then experimented with a centre-back, Zach Abbott, at right-back and deployed Samuel Edozie on the wing. Naturally, the entire Southampton fanbase immediately recognised the tactical genius involved. “I thought it was absolutely brilliant,” said Malcolm Trousers, who had spent the afternoon before kick-off explaining to anybody within earshot why Saints were about to throw away three points. Malcolm paused to take a large gulp of Asahi. “We ground out another 1–0. Another clean sheet. Two in a week. I am loving this witchcraft.” Doreen Kennedy took a rather different view of the manager’s selection. “After beating Pompey, frankly Tonda can do whatever the hell he likes,” she declared. “And if he wants to start Mubama against Bolton that’s fine with me”. The Hurlock Report was unable to obtain a post-match sound bite from Gary Fenton, who missed the entire Norwich fixture after being otherwise detained in a curry house. Sources close to Gary confirmed that he had enjoyed “multiple pints” in the pub and was then fully occupied with a substantial Chicken Jalfrezi and was unable to watch the match, follow the team selection or participate in his customary pre-match ritual of questioning every decision made by the Southampton manager. Matsuki’s second-half winner sealed a first away win of the season, back-to-back 1-0s and a climb into the play-off places. The selection held up. Lewis Dobbin led the line with real graft, put himself about, and produced the goal-line clearance that kept the clean sheet when it mattered. Caspar Jander came on for Downes early and ran the midfield – high-energy, accurate, and central to the goal with his shot that was parried into Matsuki’s path. Jack Stephens was rock-solid at the back, organising, winning his duels and contributing to another shutout. And Sam Edozie justified the start on the left: lively, defensively alert, and the one who beat his man and delivered the cross that sparked the winner. Tonda trusted the depth. The players repaid him. The truth is that Saints are beginning to look like a squad with options, organisation and a manager prepared to make difficult decisions. After years of Southampton supporters treating every team sheet as a personal attack, this is progress of almost unimaginable proportions. As they say, never in doubt.

#SaintsFC FANS REACT TO DERBY GLORY It’s the morning after the lunchtime before and The Hurlock Report has spoken to Saints ultras, pub bores and people banned from discussing football at family gatherings. The result was a mixture of unbridled joy, retrospective tactical expertise and the sort of smugness usually associated with discovering that your ex girlfriend’s house is subsiding. The win came after a week in which Tonda Eckert escaped an immediate FA touchline ban over Spygate. Cameron Bragg’s dismissal threatened to turn the afternoon into another chapter in Southampton’s long-running tragedy, but ten men held firm. James Bree’s first-half finish, from a sumptuous Finn Azaz pass, proved enough to send Pompey home empty-handed. And, crucially, Saints won the derby. MALCOLM TROUSERS: “I NEVER DOUBTED JACK. WELL, NOT AFTER ABOUT 70 MINUTES. “Jack Stephens starting? Against Pompey? I thought Eckert had finally lost the plot and had overthought it. At one point I thought about asking The FA to kindly reconsider. But I’ll hold my hands up. He was magnificent when it mattered. “I’m delighted to have been proved wrong. It’s an unfamiliar sensation, a bit like finding a decent bottle of wine in a petrol station.” Asked whether Stephens had earned a permanent place in the side, Malcolm was cautious. “Let’s not get carried away. One good performance doesn’t make you Franz Beckenbauer. But I’m prepared to give him credit.” Malcolm then raised his glass to James Bree, before remembering that he had spent much of last season questioning whether the right-back offered enough going forward. “I’ve always rated him,” he insisted. The Hurlock Report has evidence to the contrary. GARY FENTON: “THE ISLAND CITY THING IS ACTUALLY QUITE INTERESTING” Gary Fenton watched the match on Sky and emerged with two firm convictions: Saints were magnificent, and Portsmouth is an island city. “Sky told us several times that Portsmouth is an island city. I guess it’s a bit like Alcatraz but with more criminals”. Gary was particularly impressed by Saints’ resilience. “Once Bragg went off, I thought we’d had it. But we defended brilliantly. And Pompey, despite having an extra man for 45 minutes, couldn’t score. “Frankly, if you can’t score against ten men on the mainland, what hope have you got on an island?” DOREEN KENNEDY: “I SAID WE’D WIN. NOBODY LISTENED.” Doreen Kennedy, the fan base’s unofficial director of optimism, was delighted. “I told everyone we’d win. I said it would be 1-0, with a defender scoring, and that we’d have to dig in. Nobody listened to me. “Well, look at us now.” We reminded Doreen that her actual prediction had been 4-0, with Cyle Larin scoring a hat-trick. “Football’s about the spirit of the prediction, not the precise arithmetic,” she replied. Doreen was particularly pleased with Eckert. “He’s had a difficult week, and now he’s beaten Pompey. I hope he enjoyed that final whistle as much as I did.” STEVE “THE ANORAK” MERRICK: “THAT WAS A MASTERCLASS IN GAME MANAGEMENT” Steve Merrick, a self-appointed tactical analyst, praised Saints’ defensive structure. “The key was the shape after the red card. We went from a 4-3-3 to something more like a 4-4-1, with the wide players working exceptionally hard. The discipline was excellent. He then spent 20 minutes explaining why the Matsuki substitution was the most important moment of the match, despite nobody asking. A NOTE ON THE OPPOSITION Barry Pike, a die hard Portsmouth fan was frustrated his side failed to register a shot on target in the second half. “We kept getting in behind down the flanks but then did nothing with it. I was counting the missed opportunities using all six fingers of my right hand.” We did not ask him to demonstrate. Pompey had the opportunity to spoil the biggest afternoon on the south coast for years. Instead, they went home to their island city empty-handed.

BREE FROM DESIRE: #SPYGATE NOW TOTALLY WORTH IT #SaintsFC 1–0 Portsmouth: the best £200 million mistake in football history? There are days when supporting Saints feels like an elaborate psychological experiment conducted by people who hate you. And then there are days when James Bree scores the winner against Portsmouth, St Mary’s erupts, and every penny of the Spygate punishment suddenly seems like a price worth paying. Had we been promoted, today’s opponents would have been Everton. And where’s the fun in that? This was a proper derby that had everything: a superb goal, outstanding performances from Finn Azaz and Flynn Downes, a red card, and 45 minutes of the sort of defensive tension normally associated with defusing a nuclear warhead. James Bree settled the contest in the 20th minute, finishing after Finn Azaz supplied the assist. Azaz was outstanding, pulling strings and creating the sort of problems Portsmouth’s defenders will have nightmares about. Downes was equally impressive, providing the steel and composure that would prove essential as the afternoon descended into chaos. Bragging rights are now firmly with the red-and-white half of the Solent, which is an unfortunate turn of phrase given that Cameron Bragg walked. The young midfielder, a lifelong Southampton supporter, picked up his first yellow for a foul on Ebou Adams and his second for a shirt-pull on the same player. It was a self-inflicted blow, but the remaining ten held firm. Bragg will learn from this and come back stronger. Portsmouth huffed, puffed and generally behaved like a team that had travelled to Southampton with a point to prove and very little idea how to prove it. Saints survived, the final whistle went, and the celebrations began. And what celebrations. The soundtrack was “Bree from Desire” — a glorious pun on the song blaring out at full-time, and surely the first time in history that a right-back has been immortalised in a pop anthem before the post-match interviews have finished.

Tonda gets his freedom — Teesside gets the hump There was joyous news from the Football Association today, with #SaintsFC boss Tonda Eckert handed a six-week ban — suspended — and a £28,000 fine for his part in Spygate. In other words, Tonda is free to manage Southampton. More importantly, he will be in the dugout on Sunday. The FA’s independent panel clearly took into account Eckert’s contrition and openness during the investigation. Southampton, meanwhile, have already been thrown out of last season’s play-offs and started this season four points adrift. So that’s that. Tonda stays. The season continues. And somewhere in the frozen north, Middlesbrough’s keyboard warriors are foaming at the mouth, wondering why Southampton are still allowed to employ their manager. Whatever. St Mary’s should be absolutely electric on Sunday. Saints can concentrate on the small matter of absolutely battering Portsmouth. Although Malcolm Trousers, typically, isn’t buying any of it. “I’ve seen this movie before,” Malcolm told the Hurlock Report while inspecting the contents of a suspiciously cheap bottle of Romanian red wine. “Everyone gets excited, St Mary’s is rocking, we think we’re going to smash them and then some bloke called something like Connor Something scores off his shin after 87 minutes and we lose 1-0. “It would be very Saints.” Welcome back, Tonda. Sunday just got considerably more interesting.

#SAINTSFC ARE IN NO RUSH, THANKS. The wait for the outcome of Tonda Eckert’s FA hearing continues. And while some Saints fans are becoming increasingly frustrated by the silence, Southampton Football Club would like to make one thing absolutely clear: Take your time, lads. There is no need to rush. The FA has rather a lot on its plate. Manchester City alone have been waiting for the outcome of their enormous financial case involving more than 100 alleged breaches. The hearing finished in December 2024 and, remarkably, the verdict was still outstanding more than a year later. So Saints are perfectly happy to join the back of the queue. In fact, by the time the FA’s famous one-man-and-a-dog disciplinary department eventually gets around to Tonda, Southampton may actually have been promoted. Or if not, Tonda may have left because his contract may have expired. Everyone may have completely forgotten what he was supposed to have done. “I’m actually hoping the FA takes another two years,” said Malcolm Trousers, while contemplating a luke warm Cornish pasty outside West Quay. “If they’re going to deal with Manchester City first, then absolutely no problem. “By the time they get to Tonda, we’ll be back in the Premier League and he’ll be out of contract. “Technically, they could ban him for ten matches and he’d miss absolutely nothing”. So please, FA. Deal with Manchester City first. Take your time. We’ll see you in 2028.

#SaintsFC SET TO ACTIVATE THE CHEAP OPTION While a fine and a suspended sentence would be appropriate and fair, were Tonda Eckert to face a lengthy, and entirely unjust, FA ban over Spygate, Sport Republic is reportedly considering its options should boss be unavailable for an extended period. Depending on the nature of any sanction, Plan A is reportedly to establish whether the club could simply leave Eckert in charge and ask someone else to stand on the touchline and make substitutions as per the spreadsheet. Plan A, part 2 is to establish whether that person could do it for free. The names of Eddie Howe and other high-profile external candidates were allegedly removed from consideration after somebody calculated the cost of a taxi to Southampton. Ben Garner and Adam Lallana are understood to be the leading internal candidates. Both know the club, the players and, crucially, are already on the payroll. However, The Hurlock Report understands that Sport Republic is also investigating whether anyone can do the job for even less. Which brings us to Malcolm Trousers. “I’d have a go,” Malcolm told us, while opening his second bottle of cheap white wine with a screwdriver. “I know the club, I know the Championship and I’ve got a tracksuit somewhere although I’m not sure if it still fits. “I’d want a modest salary, a parking space and full control of team selection. And I can guarantee one thing: we won’t be spying on anyone. “Unless the wife catches me looking through the neighbours’ curtains again.” Malcolm’s CV is reportedly being reviewed. It is handwritten and contains the phrase ‘stop passing sideways and backwards’ 14 times.

WREXHAM OWNERS RELEASE CRINGE-INDUCING #SaintsFC SPYGATE SKIT IN DESPERATE BID TO SELL INTERNET SECURITY SOFTWARE Ryan Reynolds and Rob McElhenney have today demonstrated that even Hollywood’s finest can occasionally produce something that makes a drunk uncle dancing at a wedding look like a masterclass in entertainment. The celebrity owners of Wrexham have released a video mocking Southampton’s Spygate scandal ahead of Saturday’s Championship fixture, apparently in collaboration with Firefox, a company that presumably makes internet browsers rather than comedy scripts. The video features Reynolds emerging from behind a tree to discuss the importance of privacy, while McElhenney delivers a masterclass in the sort of humour that would struggle to survive a sixth-form drama audition. The pair reference Middlesbrough, Oxford and Ipswich before finishing with a joke about Southampton’s pickleball team. Yes. Pickleball. It’s the sort of material that makes you wonder whether the writers’ room was simply a particularly damp bus shelter. MALCOLM TROUSERS HAS SEEN BETTER SPY THRILLERS “I thought it was going to be a trailer for the next Deadpool film,” said Malcolm Trousers, who was interviewed while hiding behind the former Debenhams building. “Then Ryan Reynolds popped out and started talking about privacy. “I’ve seen more convincing undercover work from a bloke trying to sneak a pint of cider into the Northam. “And as for the pickleball joke, I haven’t been that confused since Russell Martin tried to explain his tactics.”

SAINTS MAY BIN KERNKRAFT AFTER SCORING STARTS COSTING SERIOUS MONEY #SaintsFC have scored so often at St Mary’s that the goal music is no longer atmosphere. It is a line on an invoice, and the club’s bean counters are starting to look more nervous than an unconvincing Dusan Tadic penalty. The track is Zombie Nation’s Kernkraft 400, the 1999 techno riff Saints have blasted after home goals since 2023. Four league games at St Mary’s this season: 15 goals. Sixteen if you count the League Cup night against West Ham. Every one of them comes with the same oh-oh-oh-oh. Stadium goal music costing is complicated, and it’s certainly not free. Worse, Kernkraft 400 is built on a sample from a 1984 Commodore 64 game. Even the paperwork has layers. So the club is understood to be looking at the cheaper option already standing outside the ground. Saints Brass play for 90 minutes before kick-off and come pitch-side for Oh When The Saints. Local. Live. No German royalties. No 1980s computer-game sample. No surcharge to the PRS for “emphasising significant action.” The plan, such as it is: keep the brass, kill the techno, and let the Northam supply its own oh-oh-oh-oh if it must. Malcolm Trousers, interviewed while inspecting a sausage roll with the texture of a warm breezeblock, offered a third way. “I’ve said for years that song sounds like a car alarm having a stroke,” he told The Hurlock Report, pausing only to extract a flake of pastry from his coat. “If it’s costing us money every time Larin scores, stop playing it. Get Saints Brass on. Or I’ll do the spoons. I’ve got a pair in the glovebox. No royalties. No sample from a 1980s computer game. No German. Just two bits of cutlery and a man who has already paid for his season ticket.” The club has not confirmed the change. It has also not denied that someone in a polo shirt has been timed walking from the PA box to the brass section with the expression of a man who has just discovered promotion might be cheaper if the team scored less often. Until then, every home goal remains a licensed event. The ball hits the net. Kernkraft 400 fires. Somewhere, a tariff twitches.

SAINTS 4–1 BRISTOL CITY Finally. FINALLY. Bristol City. #SaintsFC’s perennial bogey team. The club who could turn even the most routine fixture into an annual exercise in irritation. Not today. Saints dismantled the Robins 4–1 at St Mary’s, with Cyle Larin producing the sort of performance that makes you wonder why we ever worried about replacing him. Two goals, immense physical presence and a constant nuisance to the Bristol defence. The first was a beauty. Finn Azaz wriggled through the City midfield before releasing Larin, who then glided past two challenges and curled the ball into the top corner. Quite frankly, it was outrageous. Earlier, Saints had survived a scare when Dom Ballard appeared to have lobbed Peretz, only for Keven Schlotterbeck to perform an acrobatic goal-line clearance that belonged somewhere between a centre-back and an Olympic gymnast. Larin got his second after the break, pouncing on the rebound following excellent work from Scienza and Ward-Prowse. Bristol pulled one back and briefly threatened to turn the afternoon into another episode of Southampton Against Bristol City: Why Do We Keep Doing This To Ourselves? But this time there was no collapse. Kuryu Matsuki then produced a superb finish into the bottom corner after another clever Azaz pass. And then Azaz got the goal his performance deserved, calmly slotting home to make it four. Larin brilliant. Azaz brilliant. Schlotterbeck heroic. Matsuki clinical. Most importantly, Bristol City beaten. After years of this fixture behaving like a particularly vindictive ex-girlfriend, Saints have finally slammed the door in its face.

SAINTS 3-1 SWANSEA: LEAVING THE BEST PLAYERS ON THE PITCH WORKS. WHO KNEW? #SaintsFC rather rudely interrupted Swansea’s reign at the top of the Championship with a thoroughly deserved 3-1 victory at St Mary’s. Finn Azaz opened the scoring with a lovely finish, Cyle Larin continued his superb start to the season with his fifth league goal, and Leo Scienza finished things off in style with 12 minutes remaining. Swansea briefly threatened a comeback through Zan Vipotnik’s penalty, but Saints were having none of it. And here’s the slightly awkward bit for Tonda Eckert: results appear to improve when you leave your best players on the pitch. At Lincoln on Saturday, Larin and Scienza were removed around the hour mark, Azaz went shortly afterwards and Saints eventually surrendered a lead to a 6ft 8in Norwegian who had been introduced to play what appeared to be medieval football. Last night? Larin, Azaz and Scienza stayed on until the closing stages. Three goals. Coincidence? The Hurlock Report thinks not. There was plenty else to like. Nathan Wood and Keven Schlotterbeck look increasingly like a proper centre-back pairing. Wood’s pass created the second goal, while Schlotterbeck was composed and aggressive when Swansea threatened. The German also produced another timely intervention to stop Vipotnik getting on the end of a dangerous cross. And James Ward-Prowse is beginning to exceed expectations. There were plenty of raised eyebrows, ours included, when Saints brought him home. There are considerably fewer now. He brings intelligence, delivery, control and, presumably, a legally registered measuring device for free-kick trajectories. One slight cloud remains: James Bree. There is currently no meaningful competition for the right-back shirt, and it shows. Bree was involved in the excellent second goal, making the run that allowed him to square for Larin, but he also conceded the penalty after pulling back Vipotnik. He needs to know someone is breathing down his neck. At present, he can apparently relax knowing that the alternative might only be an out of position Jack Stephens. Malcolm Trousers, interviewed while eating a disappointing post match burger from a food stand outside the Chapel End, was characteristically unimpressed. “Very good. Three goals. Three points. But I’ve paid £9.50 for a burger that appears to have been cooked during the last international break. If Saints can improve their right-back situation and the catering, we’ll be promoted.”

LINCOLN 1-1 #SaintsFC. Saints Slip On the Most Predictable Banana Skin Imaginable There was something entirely predictable about Southampton’s 1-1 draw at Lincoln. A newly promoted side, a pitch full of enormous human beings, a game increasingly resembling an aerial bombardment — and Saints somehow appeared surprised by the concept of hoofball. This was exactly the sort of afternoon supporters had been warned about. Lincoln were perfectly happy to turn the match into a competition for possession of the sky, while Saints struggled to impose the slick football that had demolished Millwall last weekend. The result leaves Tonda Eckert’s side with only two points from their two away games this week. Saints did at least produce one moment of genuine class. Welington unleashed an absolute screamer to put Saints ahead — a goal so good that the puns about Wellington Boots will last all week. Leo Scienza then produced one of the afternoon’s more remarkable non-goals, somehow hitting both posts with the same shot. It was about the only thing Saints did with any degree of efficiency. But otherwise, this was poor. Really poor. Daniel Peretz’s distribution was particularly woeful. Every time the ball went back to the goalkeeper, Saints seemed to enter a collective state of anxiety as he attempted to distribute it somewhere — anywhere — that wasn’t directly to a six-foot-four Lincoln player. Usually into Row Z. And then there was Divin Mubama. The striker, introduced from the bench, looked less like a footballer and more like a competition winner who had just been told his prize included 20 minutes on the pitch at Lincoln. Against a defence apparently constructed from scaffolding poles, Saints desperately needed someone capable of occupying the giants. Mubama looked rather more occupied by the occasion himself. Lincoln eventually got their reward, and there was little argument that they deserved it. The Imps had identified exactly how to make Saints uncomfortable and simply kept doing it. A point is extremely disappointing when starting from minus 4 and chasing promotion. The manner of it is even more concerning. Saints knew exactly what sort of game this was going to be. They knew Lincoln were physical. They knew they would go direct. They knew this was the banana skin. And they stepped right on it.

Tonda reads The Hurlock 😉 #SaintsFC

BANANA SKIN WRITTEN ALL OVER IT #SaintsFC travel to newly promoted Lincoln City tomorrow lunchtime with a section of the support already measuring the goal difference. Ten goals in four Championship games, a 5-1 dismantling of Millwall still fresh, and a newly promoted side who have not played at this level since 1961. On paper it looks like the sort of afternoon that ends with the away end singing about double figures and the locals filing out early. On paper is where most Saints away days start well. Lincoln have lost their opening two league games, then beaten fellow newcomers Bolton 1-0 and ground out a goalless draw with Blackburn at home. They have kept clean sheets in their last two Championship matches. They are organised, they are physical, and they have already shown they can make life miserable for sides who turn up expecting a stroll. First time in the second tier since the early sixties and already they look like they belong. This has Oxford away last Boxing Day written all over it. Then, as now, plenty of Saints fans boarded the coaches expecting to brush a newly promoted side aside. Oxford scored first, Harwood-Bellis equalised, and Stanley Mills won it in the 89th minute. Possession, shots, expected goals — none of it mattered. The Kassam did what awkward, compact grounds do to teams who think the job is already done. Lincoln’s ProAmpac Stadium is another of those places. Tight, loud when it wants to be, and perfectly capable of turning a Saturday lunchtime into a war of attrition. Saints have scored freely but they have also conceded in every league game so far. They have a defence that still occasionally treats passing out from the back as an extreme sport. The ingredients for a banana skin are all present. Two of the more reliable barometers of Saints opinion have already spoken. Doreen Kennedy, of Shirley, is having none of the caution. “Lincoln? Newly promoted? We’ll put six past them before they know what’s happening. Could be double figures if we really turn up. They’ve never seen anything like Cyle Larin and Scienza at this level. Get the goals in early and let’s have a party. I’ve already told Malcolm to stop being such a misery.” Malcolm Trousers, half way through his second bottle of lunchtime wine, is less convinced. “I’d be delighted with a dogged 1-0. Genuinely delighted. Ugly, one chance, scramble it in, defend for our lives, get on the coach. That’s the dream. But I fear the worst. They’ll sit in, they’ll kick us, the pitch will be a cabbage patch, the referee will bottle every decision, and we’ll come away with nothing after dominating the ball for 80 minutes. Oxford all over again. I’ve seen this film. I didn’t like the ending last time either.” Tomorrow at 12:30, Sky Sports+, ProAmpac Stadium. Saints will either look like a promotion-chasing side putting a newly promoted team in their place, or they will look like a side that still hasn’t quite learned what the Championship does to anyone who arrives assuming the result is already in the bag. History, and Malcolm Trousers, suggest it would be unwise to count the goals just yet.

THE CURIOUS CASE OF AARON RAMSDALE: WHY IS THERE NO COMPETITION IN GOAL AT #SAINTSFC? So the transfer window has slammed shut and Aaron Ramsdale is still a Southampton player. Which, frankly, raises a rather obvious question: why isn’t he competing for the goalkeeper’s shirt? This is not some washed-up former star collecting a pension. Ramsdale is a 28-year-old England international, a £25m signing from Arsenal and a former member of the PFA Premier League Team of the Year. Meanwhile, Daniel Peretz appears to have been handed the No.1 shirt with the sort of job security usually associated with the Governor of the Bank of England. Peretz undoubtedly had an excellent spell last season and deserved his permanent move. But Tonda Eckert seems perfectly happy to create competition everywhere else on the pitch. Players are fighting for places. Form matters. Standards matter. So why does goalkeeper appear to be the exception? Ramsdale is sitting there. He’s contracted. He’s experienced. He’s a very good goalkeeper. He’s paid a handsome wage. And, somewhat remarkably, he appears to have been consigned to the footballing equivalent of the naughty step. There is a perfectly reasonable argument for Peretz being No.1. There is a much less convincing argument for Peretz being unquestioned No.1. Eckert has built a squad where competition is supposed to drive standards. It seems rather odd that the one position where Saints possess two genuinely interesting options is the one where competition has apparently been cancelled. If Ramsdale is good enough to challenge Peretz, let him challenge him. And if he isn’t, then surely the manager should have no fear in proving it on the training ground. Peretz may deserve the gloves. He shouldn’t be guaranteed them.

IS IT TIME FOR WELLINGTON TO GIVE MANNING THE BOOT? There is an increasingly awkward pattern developing down the #SaintsFC left flank. Look at the goals conceded against Watford, Stoke, West Ham, Millwall and Birmingham and you start to wonder whether Saints have discovered a tactical weakness opponents are rather enjoying exploiting. At Watford, Saints conceded twice from their own possession, with Manning’s square pass intercepted for Amin Nabizada to run half the pitch. Against Stoke, Bae Jun-ho got down the flank before delivering for Sam Gallagher to cross for Ethan Galbraith. Birmingham provided another warning, with Patrick Roberts getting to the byline and crossing for August Priske. Bowen had similar joy for West Ham. Different goals, but a recurring theme: Saints aren’t always protecting their left side particularly well. And then there is Leo Scienza. Nobody wants to take away from what the Brazilian gives Saints going forward. He has been superb at times. But a wide player in this system cannot simply disappear when the ball changes hands. There are moments when Scienza’s tracking is, shall we say, selective. If Manning pushes forward, the space behind him needs protecting. If Scienza doesn’t get back, Manning can suddenly find himself defending two jobs. So perhaps it is time to ask whether Welington should get the nod. Manning’s attacking contribution, crossing and set pieces are valuable. But with James Ward-Prowse back in the building, Saints have perhaps the ideal solution for the dead-ball duties Manning currently helps provide. That potentially changes the calculation. Maybe it’s time to change things up at Lincoln.

TRANSFER WINDOW VERDICT: MUCH TO LIKE, BUT ONE SNAPPED HAMSTRING AWAY FROM IMPOTENCE And so the summer transfer window closes, leaving #SaintsFC with a squad that is probably fractionally weaker than the one that finished last season, albeit one that looks perfectly capable of having a very good go at the Championship if everyone stays fit. Shea Charles and Taylor Harwood-Bellis have departed for serious money, and neither has been properly replaced. Zach Abbott is very highly regarded but looks an intriguing gamble rather than a like-for-like replacement. But there is plenty to like. Most importantly, Cyle Larin is now ours. His nine goals in 22 appearances last season, despite only 12 starts, demonstrated exactly what an experienced, physical Championship striker can bring. Keeping him may ultimately prove to be the most important bit of business Saints did all summer. But with the injury prone Stewart slithering away, Saints are faced with one rather alarming problem. Divin Mubama is promising, energetic and has plenty of potential, but he is still raw. He is not yet the finished article and expecting him to carry the goalscoring burden of a second senior striker in a promotion-chasing side would be asking rather a lot. Many fans are still unclear why the club never went in for Dom Ballard. Its baffling. Daniel Peretz staying is excellent. James Bree committing his future is reassuring. Larin staying is critical. The dead wood has largely been cleared out or loaned out. And then there is James Ward-Prowse. Nobody quite knows which version has arrived back from West Ham, but based on last night’s showing at Birmingham, the signs are encouraging. And perhaps, aside from Larin, the best business of all was the business we didn’t do. Scienza and Jander are still here. The squad has continuity, there is competition for places and the group is growing together rather than being assembled from scratch while someone frantically searches for a deal sheet in the Costa at Warwick Services. Malcolm Trousers, speaking from outside a urinal in Birmingham, summed up the window in typically measured fashion: “I’m just relieved we didn’t sign Mason Holgate.” For once, Malcolm speaks for the nation. One snapped hamstring away from impotence. It sounds like the name of a Pink Floyd compilation. But it’s the precarious reality we find ourselves in.