sam

There’s a thin line between dad bod and fat cunt, and I seem to be far far over that line currently after all these lockdowns 👀👀👀

Owl City - Fireflys or Gotye - Somebody I Used To Know makes me want to kick a puppy and an old lady at the same time

I didn’t even have a fucking Bebo page until year 8

Another five hours on my leg sleeve today and I’m not exaggerating when I say I think I’ll need a wheelchair tomorrow 😶💉

Cash me outside how bow dat??

I am never there when you call or on time

I know I’m getting old now because I’ve had three vodka red bulls and had to have a shot of gaviscon because it’s given me heartburn 🙄

It’s too late, but does anyone know if you screenshot someone’s Insta story if it tells them or not? Really hoping not..

In the garden with a bottle of tequila, Alexa playing some absolute tunes, and the sun cooking/tanning me. There’s been worse bank holidays ☀️

Had a work quiz on Zoom with a few drinks and now all I want is a chicken kebab. What’s my mum made for dinner instead? A fucking leek, olive, and goats cheese tart. This house is a prison on planet bullshit, in the galaxy of this sucks camel dick

My mum thought I was a prick and off the rails before lockdown. She’s got a surprise coming when lockdown is done 🙄🍺🍺🎉🎉🍹🍹

If someone said “show me something that would make you go vegan” then this would be it.

Considering we’re in lockdown, I’ve still managed to spend a stupid amount of money on all new furniture for my room, paint to redecorate, and alcohol. But mostly alcohol.

So this dopey cunt has gone on for days about social distancing and people not taking Corona seriously, but has had someone put make up on him every morning? 🙄🤡

Another day, another delay, another short formation train and obviously no apology @greateranglia I thought I was shit at my job but you lot make me look fucking brilliant.

Gone to watch the Chelsea match at a pub near Fulham Broadway station and 2 pints of Fosters have cost me £12 😳 for piss from Australia 🧎

Sugababes are looking good