Soooo... i heard they’re banning plastic straws and charging for plastic grocery bags now?

#GavinNewsom on TV talking about walking dogs, master races, his family... NO IDEA what this speech is about... too min fluff

More people have told me I was a loser and a nobody in the last 2 years than in my entire life... I really need to get back in to punching people...

Without my warm nacho cheese... I’m NOTHING!!!

That Mexican spice...

Shout out to my Instagram philosophers... you chose the EXACT right google image, app, font and quote you thought up at 2am to change my life... as i sit on the toilet. #stayDEEP

Why is it when you leave store bought cookies sitting out, they get soft... but homemade cookies get hard and crumbly? Knock that shit off... for real...

Feeling grown up as FUCK! I just walked past a donut shop and didn’t go in... #maturity

Alright ladies... if you’re looking for TRUE LOVE or to have kids, DATE ME!!! Immediately after we split I PROMISE you’ll meet the right guy. I got you...

Is it considered “lazy” if Someone types their suicide letter? God forbid they’re remembered as a slacker...

I don’t know how to answer when someone wishes me a “HAPPY FATHER’S DAY!!!” For some reason i feel like “I’m not a dad” is kind of a dickhole response... so i just say “THANKS YOU TOO!” hoping they feel just ask awkward if they’re also not a dad. Or if they’re a deadbeat dad...

So if people proclaim you “the greatest of all time”, but you’re dead... doesn’t that mean you’re REALLY only “the greatest of a limited time”?

I’m convinced “Kombucha” translates to “water you’ve soaked your feet in”. I’d still drink it though... cuz I’m a freak like that... I’ve got issues...

I’m not really indecisive... sometimes I guess I can be... but not all the time... ok most of the time, maybe...

Here’s the thing about incomplete thoughts...

When you’re djing and you hear one of the girls dancing in front of the booth say to her Homegirl “what about HIM?!” Pointing at you... And she goes “EEW NO!” 😂 I love my life...

Sooo... my guess is that all those posters people put up in protest of Kony, stopped him from fucking around with little kids?

Unlocked my phone and was like “WHO THE F**K IS THIS UGLY DUDE WHO TOOK A SELFIE WITH MY PHONE!?” Then realized the camera was just reversed. *true story*

You know you’re hood when you measure things by “I know a 40oz is this much...” (or am I the only one that does that?)

I was gonna post a joke about Michael McDonald but I Keep Forgettin’.