Jess

Have you told them directly, or do you believe they can read your mind?

Lorelai and Rory are the classic codependent mother and daughter. Rory is parentified by her emotionally immature parent. Lorelai uses her as her sole confidant (BFF), and there are no boundaries— Lorelai is over-involved in every aspect of her life. This shows up as: control, manipulation, and withholding. Lorelai projects her own dream of going to Harvard into Rory since childhood. When Rory applies to Yale, she sulks and leaves a dinner. Rory hides things from her for fear of how she’ll react. They never openly communicate and often give each other the silent treatment during conflict. Their dramatic relationship makes for an addictive show and leaves out the true pain, dysfunction, and shame that comes from codependent relationships.

When you realize nothing about other people’s behavior is personal, it frees you from taking it personally. Behavior is a combination of someone’s: past experiences, ability to self regulate, and their core beliefs.

The real stigma in addiction is the unspoken hierarchy of what's an 'accepted' addiction and what's not. Drugs and alcohol aren't the only things that are addictive. Shopping, pornography, gambling, workaholism, food, relationships: any self soothing mechanism has the potential to be addictive. Addiction is a cycle of attempting to soothe our nervous system, our own racing thoughts, and feelings of isolation in ways that help in the short term and create suffering in the long term. There's also a less talked aspect of emotional addiction. The cycle of highs and lows that come with seeking (and sneaking), the adrenaline and cortisol rushes, the excitement, the intense shame. This familiar cycle actually serves a purpose. It's chronic distraction from: our inner pain, our racing thoughts, and our feelings of unworthiness. Working in substance recovery centers, I learned quickly how much time and energy an addiction takes up in a person's life. This is can be a 'positive' for someone that's running from a conflict within themselves. Stillness and being in ones own thoughts is the greatest fear of someone stuck in the cycle of addiction.

Our culture stigmatizes people without partners as lonely, unfulfilled, or lacking something. In reality, many people who are partnered are very lonely. Not being partnered can give us: freedom, ability to self express, and self awareness.

Reparenting yourself sounds like: