Shmitzig

Got tasered picking up my friend from the airport today. Apparently security doesn't like it when you shout, "Hi Jack

I bought a box frozen pizza and it said on the box, "Bake for between 20 and 22 minutes." Now, I'm not a genius, but isn't that 21 minutes

Just bec ur face is shaped like a lightbulb it doesnt mean ur bright

Life is like a beautiful melody, only the lyrics are messed up.

Girls who say, "a lot of guys are after me", should keep in mind that low prices always attract many customers

My doctor told me I need to do more stretching so I stretched my coffee break from 15 to 45 minutes."

My doctor told me I should start killing people..Well, not exactly those words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life! Same thing

I don't mind the fact that my wife drives a car. I fix fences for a living

Made in China translates to: easily broken

I didn't understand why my wife wanted a drivers license.. There's no road between the kitchen and our bedroom?

My doctor told me I should start killing people..Well, not exactly those words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life! Same thing!"

Whoever said, "Do the job right the first time and you'll never have to do it again" never shoveled snow off a Canadian driveway.

Are you a fire detector? Cause you are really loud and annoying.

Whoever said, "Do the job right the first time and you'll never have to do it again" never shoveled snow off a Canadian driveway.

Whoever said, "Do the job right the first time and you'll never have to do it again" never shoveled snow off a Canadian driveway.

Apparently beer contains female hormones. After you drink enough you can neither drive nor shut the hell up

Life is the original "limited time offer"

You can't choose your face. But you can pick your nose

I can't take this long distance relationships anymore. Fridge, your coming to my room.

Wouldn't it be so great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 minutes and come out wrinkle free.....and three sizes smaller?