TheMotherOctopus

Sneaking out of my kid’s room after they fall asleep would be a lot easier if my bones didn’t sound like 500 mouse traps going off when I stand up.

…and you shall know they are MAGA by their wild disdain for proper grammar and punctuation.

You’re flirting with him in his DM and I’m absolutely terrifying him in his texts. We are not the same.

I want friends but I also want everyone to stay away from me.

My family the day after we host a big party: “Who’s going to eat all these leftovers?”

When I say “I got that dawg in me” I mean the kid of dog that sleeps for 19 hours a day.

Happy Day 2 of The Real Housewives of America to all who celebrate!

Costco is a great place to go if you love having an infinite amount of people in your way at all times.

Do you ever just sit and think to yourself, OMG WHAT THE FUCK?

I just want $300 million dollars and a man who looks at me the way I look at a blooming onion.

In my PAYING ALL THESE BILLS era.

I’m no relationship expert but I’m pretty sure the secret to a happy love life is flashing each other whenever possible.

I’m playing this new game every day called “Am I dying or is this perimenopause?” It’s so fun.

When your kids are 6 years old: “Please get into the shower. Please get into the shower. Please get into the shower.” When your kids are 16 years old: “Please get out of the shower. Please get out of the shower. Please get out of the shower.”

Waiter: “Would you like a side salad to go with that?” Me: “Do you guys have side cake?”

You either treasure reusable takeout containers or you’d rather have your genitals frozen off before you save one. There’s no middle ground.

I’m lucky I get to be a mom at a time when parents can be honest about how hard it is.

Were you too much or were they not enough?

If you can’t handle me at my peri-menopause-induced hormonal acne, you don’t get to reap the rewards of my peri-menopause-induced junk food shopping spree.

Please god, let me wake up in the morning hating cake and puppies.

Your kid when you have the audacity to ask them to set the table.