My washing machine: "To open the door mid cycle would be to unleash such terrors upon the world that I must forbid it!" My dishwasher: "No idea, mate. Fuck it, what's the worst that could happen?"

"You can critise the Witchfinder General all you like but you don't get any witch crimes any more, do you?" 22 needs to start working.

"The toads are in but I still need to herd them into their respective holes." 22 I cooking dinner.

"Sexual panther, beautifully cool" Imagine having the enormous testicles required to say that out loud? Well done Ian Astbury.

Loving it. A bit drunk.

My banana palm is getting fucking shredded in this wind. Not a euphemism.

Had no idea the clocks were changing. I was befuddled this morning.

I'm enjoying a rather pleasant Bordeaux and music i can only listen to alone as my offspring complain.

I'd try and fit my piece into a place it's not supposed to go, all day long. Missus.

I've whipped out the jigsaw for some wine soaked puzzling.

People saying spiders are scary and they're just out here being silly

I genuinely thought Dutch Elm disease was going to play a much larger role in my life for all i heard about it growing up.

Feast on my sausage!

I keep seeing parrot videos on Shorts and it's breaking my heart.

There is a follow up to this where she argues with me about whether we have enough pasta and quite angrily claims that there is a whole new pack in the cupboard, but there isn't. I asked if she thought I had sold it for crack.

I think two of the most erotic sounding vocalists are Chino Moreno from Deftones and Sade.

Conversations with my daughter.

So there's a guy I often talk to when I walk the dog, and aside from his huge Reform tendencies, he also has a massive 'retired gangster' vibe... well, it turns out, he is a retired gangster, but he is now a travelling clairvoyant, and it has shaken me to my core.