Harder Than It Looks

Our insurance provider forced us to undergo a third-party cybersecurity audit. They sent a guy named Kevin who carried a clipboard and spoke entirely in compliance frameworks. Kevin spent his first morning asking for our active directory topology. I do not have an active directory topology. My active directory is a chaotic swamp of deprecated user profiles from 2017. I told Kevin that mapping the network creates a comprehensive blueprint for state-sponsored threat actors. I explained that we utilize a Schrödinger network philosophy. I told him the infrastructure exists in a state of quantum superposition where it is both perfectly secure and completely undocumented. By refusing to map the network, we ensure that if we are ever breached, the hackers will be just as confused as we are. Kevin looked at his clipboard and asked how we handle routine patch management. I leaned over my desk and told him we employ a strategy of Darwinian software evolution. I said we let the applications fight it out, and only the strongest legacy code survives. He asked if I was joking. I asked him if he was prepared to accept liability for interrupting an organic security ecosystem. He crossed something off on his clipboard and moved on to physical security. I took him to the data center and showed him an empty rack cabinet. I told him it was an air-gapped honeypot designed to trap localized radio frequency interference. He just nodded, completely broken, and went back to his car. We passed the audit with a conditional green light. If you come into my dojo I'm going to confuse you with buzzwords and fake urgency until you leave.