Hi all, The headline in last week’s newsletter, “Willows’ Under 16 Girls Go All The Way” was a story about them reaching the County Cup Final and nothing to do with that incident at the Halloween Disco. Thanks x

Hi all, Just a reminder, we must remain politically neutral at all times when speaking to pupils. Last week’s canteen till problem was not due to Trump, Al Qaeda, Putin, Israel, Burnham, Traitors, Reform, Temu, or people arriving in small boats. It was a faulty fuse. Thanks x

Hi all, Following a rigorous book look, we are disappointed to note that several exercise books still contain evidence of actual learning. From now on, presentation will be prioritised over content. Remember: if it looks good, Ofsted will never notice the gaps. Thanks x

Hi all, We have noticed that some of you have been going out on duty without your hi viz jacket and that some of you have been wearing ponchos and cloaks instead. Because of this we have no option but to start capability proceedings. Thanks x

Hi all, Mr Johnson kept 9D in detention last week because someone was making noises. This is collective punishment and contravenes the Geneva Convention. As a result we feel that you need more training on Behaviour Management, so you will all attend extra CPD on Monday. Thanks x

Hi all, Just a reminder that half term is not a holiday if you have underperforming classes. You’ll be expected to deliver catch-up sessions via Zoom from the beach, Center Parcs, or your mother-in-law’s spare room. For Child protection purposes, Lanyards must be worn. Thanks x

Hi all, Last night’s Halloween disco was not great. Several Year 9s were found “raising the dead” behind the PE sheds, Miss Johnson’s costume was much more revealing than she realised and Mr Johnson had “ectoplasm” all over his trousers. Thanks x

Hi all, Just a reminder that half term is not a holiday. It is a carefully structured period of directed time for reflective practice, curriculum mapping and catching up on the emails you ignored over the last 8 weeks. Thanks x

Hi all, As we head into half term, we’d like to thank every single one of you for your hard work and dedication. To show our appreciation, eat your 2 fingered Kitkat, while reading the new T&L document and uploading 300 pieces of evidence of your outstanding teaching. Thanks x

Hi all, Even though next week is half term, an error on the calendar says it’s also Book Scrutiny Week for all year groups. Please make sure that all your books are marked up to date and you are standing with them by your trestle table in the hall by 8:00am. Thanks x

Hi all, After careful consideration, all pupil work will now be in green pen, to promote growth mindset. Purple pens are to be used for feedback, and anyone found using red will be invited to a supportive meeting about their resistance to change and passive aggression. Thanks x

Hi all, We’re looking for volunteers to help out at the Halloween Disco. It’s going to be a mix of raging hormones, tongue-kissing, cheap perfume, THC vapes, Lambrini and lost underwear. But that’s enough about Janice. We think some of the kids might misbehave, too. Thanks x

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Hi all, Following several staff arriving “just after the bell”, we’re launching a new Punctuality Programme. Anyone late will now complete a 2 hour CPD on the importance of arriving before the kids. SLT are of course exempt as we, officially, keep irregular hours. Thanks x

Hi all, Just a reminder about staff absences: stress isn't actually an illness and for every day you take off, that's 6 hours of PPA you will owe us. Thanks x

Hi all, Looking for a fun game for all the family? Want to keep the kids quiet for 8 minutes during half term? Do you need to buy a Christmas gift for someone you don’t like very much? For just £25 + p&p, you can have one of these limited edition board games. Thanks x

Hi all, We have come up with a new mantra to encompass all the values we expect to see from our pupils. They are: Curiosity, Literacy, Understanding, Numeracy, Growth mindset, and Exploration. There will be A1 sized CLUNGE posters all over the building after half term. Thanks x

Hi all, Since Mr Johnson has decided to step down as Progressive Researcher & Instructor for New Curriculum Educational Support Systems, we are looking for someone to replace him. If you can see yourself as The Academy’s next PRINCESS, speak to HR. Thanks x

Hi all, Last week we had a visit from adventurer, Bear Johnson. In assembly he told the pupils to “Go Out And Pursue Excellence; Study Hard, Innovate, Thrive”. We have adopted this as our new mantra and will be urging pupils and staff to GOAPESHIT in everything they do. Thanks x

Hi all, We have had to change the requirements for applying for SLT positions in The Academy. Now that there are no Gemmas or Julies under the age of 40, those names have now been replaced by Chloe and Danielle. Thanks x