NMRT

I’ve always loved working hard. 12 hours a day spent sitting in front of a computer, grinding towards goals that I would set didn’t just feel natural; It felt like my purpose. So much so that for many years I always thought that’s all I would ever be good for. When you go from overweight to fit, from broke to wealthy, from the bottom to the top in any sense of the phrasing, there’s a harsh reality you come to learn. You get treated differently. Your defining trait in the eyes of others doesn’t come from who you are, but rather what you are. You become a what, not a who. For any of you who have followed me for years, you’ve all heard me talk about this a countless amount of times. There’s something I haven’t talked about countless times, though. In fact I don’t think I’ve ever even talked about it once; In reality, the saddest thing wasn’t coming to terms with becoming a ‘what’ in the eyes of others. It was coming to terms becoming a ‘what’ in my own eyes. I didn’t just strive for becoming the best streamer, the best league player, or the most athletic person I could because I thought they were cool goals to strive for, I strove for them because I thought that those things were the only things I could ever offer anybody else. It’s part of the reason why, only a few years ago, I told people I wouldn’t get into any kind of relationship until my late 20s at the earliest. I fell for the trap that many men fall for; Become disappointed that people don’t want you because of your personality, focus years of your life accumulating material wealth, and then become even more disappointed when anybody you try being with only want you because of the one thing you’ve spent years chasing. Seems silly when I type it out, doesn’t it? “I’ll forgo building relationships until I’m at the top, then I’ll settle down” Becomes, “I don’t want to settle down with anyone because everyone around me only wants me because I’m at the top” With how I was living my life throughout my late teens and early 20s this was bound to be my future. In every measurable aspect of my life I was making leaps of progress. My body, my career, my notoriety. Yet even when I would peak and hit milestones that would’ve brought a younger me to his knees in adoration of the life I was living and the things I was accomplishing… I would feel nothing. Short moments of happiness and elation, followed by long stretches of emptiness and bitterness. And then one day, I met her. A chance encounter in a country thousands of miles away from my own, A random coincidence, And it saved my life. On our first date, the first thing I ever told her was not to expect anything more than casual hookups until I’d leave and never see her again. A few days later I realized she was unlike anyone I had ever met before. A few weeks later she became my girlfriend and moved into my parents house halfway across the world. A year later she became my fiancée. A year later she became my wife. And in a few months, we’ll have a family of our own. Now, I know what you’re thinking. If this post is so positive, why did it start off with such a negative undercurrent? Because changes didn’t happen overnight. I remember being so self-centered and narcissistic in the beginning of our relationship that I wouldn’t even want to give her an hour a day. There were times where she’d ask me after a 12 hour stream if we could go for a half hour walk to spend time together. Instead, I’d go to bed half an hour earlier so I could be up earlier to get a longer workday on the morrow. The obsession with becoming the best material version I could possibly be was so ingrained that I genuinely believed that it wasn’t coexistence and connection that would strengthen our relationship; It was me becoming better at my game. Becoming better at my job. Becoming better in the gym. And every time we would have conflict, every time there’d be an issue; Rather than investing my time into working on myself to prevent issues, I invested my wealth into buying peace because it was easier. Rather than receiving communication and understanding, she’d receive flowers and gifts. I tried used money to try and fix the one thing it couldn’t. Myself. It took years of being with the most patient, understanding woman I’ve met in my life along with months of therapy for me to get to a point nowadays where I can honestly say I’m not the man I used to be, nor am I the man I want to be, but I’m a man who’s aware of his issues and is making progress towards bettering them. And that matters infinitely more than any material wealth I could ever amass. As ironic as it is, though I’ve always been the career-oriented one my wife’s always believed in me and my potential more than even I have. For years I watched my career decay in front of my eyes knowing that my lack of drive was the only reason behind it, but not knowing how to change my mindset. It got to a point where, as a lot of you might know, I considered quitting streaming and League of Legends content creation as a whole a few months back. As a lot of you might not know, the only reason why I didn’t was because my wife convinced me not to. Fast forward to a week later, and Jynxzi asked me to be his coach. Fast forward to today, and I’ve spent the last 10 days on my last vacation with my wife before our daughter arrives. Now, a lot of you might be wondering what prompted this post. Over the last few days I’ve been sent clips of many different friends, colleagues, and acquaintances nominating me as League Streamer of the Year. And it just made me realize that sometimes, you can have it all. I won’t lie and say it’s easy, it’s not. You’re going to cry, you’re going to question everything, and you’re going to breakdown. You’re going to spend years trying everything you can think of, failing, and still getting up and trying again. But one day, if you persevere hard enough, you’re going to look back and realize it was all worth it. Every failed stream idea, Every therapy session, Every hard conversation, Every self-doubt, Every single thing. It was all worth it. I’m heading home now, and the only thing I can think about is how I’m more motivated than ever before. Not just to be the best League of Legends content creator I can be, But to be the best husband and best future father on top of it. For all your recent support over the last few months, you all have my sincere gratitude. As a thanks, the next few months will be spent pushing boundaries in the League space that have never been pushed before. I won’t spoil much, all I’ll say is rather than slow down things are only going to ramp up. And then in January instead of giving to my career and community, I’m going to be giving to my wife and daughter. If you made it this far, thank you. It fills me with such an indescribable feeling that I can share personal stories and have them resonate with people across the world, so thank you for giving me the opportunity to do so. 🤍

This last weekend has definitely been one of the highlights of my streaming career. Eternally grateful for the opportunity to have competed for Canada, even more grateful that I got to do it alongside new (and old) friends.

3 months ago I considered quitting streaming full-time after doing it for the last 7 years. It was consistently getting worse and worse month by month for 3 years straight, and it had gotten to a point where I realized that as I’m getting older, and especially now that I’m a husband (and someday a father) that I shouldn’t be wasting my time doing things that don’t give me a return on my time investment. And so, on a random day in late March, I had a sit-down conversation with my wife and told her that I’d direct all my efforts into really trying to make it on YouTube instead and that since my streams were already doing badly, cutting my hours by two thirds and dedicating that to recording videos instead would be a better use of my time. She tried convincing me that the only thing missing from my streams was the spark of motivation and hunger that I once had and that I should just try harder, but none of her input swayed me because in my mind my path was already decided… A few days later Jynxzi started playing League of Legends and asked me if I wanted to be his coach. Since then, life has felt like a blur. For the first time in forever I feel happy, motivated, and content simultaneously. I wasn’t even planning on making a post about this, but after taking a few days off work to go on a true vacation with my wife and then coming back home and realizing that I haven’t felt stressed out at all by the lack of streams recently it really set in for me how different things really are nowadays, and for that I wanted to take a second to thank all of you for making that, and all of this, possible. The scariest part of it all wasn’t hearing people tell me on a daily basis that I had fallen from a point that I’d never get back to; It was believing it. And so to my wife Laura, to Jynxzi, to my family, to my friends, to those who have always stuck around as well as those of you who are starting to stick around; Thanks for helping me believe in myself again. It means more than you know. I can’t wait to continue to give you all the best version of myself, and my content, that I possibly can.

Day 1 begins.