No Shoes Mon

The nation has been left stunned after a man who got a tax payer-funded BBC chauffeur to pick up his 16-year-old girlfriend from school when he was 29 years old has turned out to be a rapist. I mean where were the signs? The man in question is attempted comedian Russell Brand—someone who mysteriously carved out a TV and movie career despite not being remotely funny or likeable. If you don’t know who I’m talking about, Brand is the one who always looks like he’s pissing on railway lines. Yes, he’s the ex-husband of the first woman to take a joy ride in space! Brand ended his marriage to Katy Perry when the allegations against him first emerged. He then became a Youtuber so he could convince people that the eventual court case was an establishment stitch up. This argument would’ve been more convincing if he’d found a single person to defend his character in court. Brand conveniently discovered that he loved Jesus and started carrying a Bible everywhere he went. This was definitely not for the cameras. He was interviewed by Piers Morgan who asked him which Bible passages were most meaningful to him. Unfortunately, he couldn’t answer. At least he’ll have plenty of time to spend with his booky wook in prison. Brand actually thought he was gonna be redemeed, saying he could “feel God’s presence” while walking into court. He told his social media followers the prayers seemed to be working. Unfortunately for him, God doesn’t like rapists any more than the jury did. After falling silent while the prosecution cross-examined him on why he kept groping women without their consent, and forcing himself on them, he was convicted of rape and three counts of sexual assault. This came as a huge surprise to everyone who’d looked the other way for the past 25 years. Brand will no doubt be delighted to find that many prison inmates share his disregard for consent. I’m sure he won’t object if his big strong cellmate decides he just can’t help himself. Brand’s sex crimes were so well-known that his fellow comedians called him out on stage for years before the law caught up with him. It’s not like he kept any of this a secret. He bragged about his rapes and sexual assaults in a book that reached number 1 in the Sunday Times best sellers list and was widely praised by critics. He was declared Shagger of the Year three times by the Sun newspaper. His management enrolled him in a sex addiction clinic where he was asked to draw up a list of all the women he’d wronged. He compared the process to Saddam Hussein being asked about individual kurds he’d killed. In a follow-up memoir, he wrote of his time in the “nicky wick”, “If this is what I’m telling you, can you imagine what’s being left out?” Brand was so confident of his crimes that he laughed on the radio about how he indecently exposed himself to women. He even offered to send his naked assistant to one man during an interview—the man in question was Sir Jimmy Saville. Brand caused a public outcry in 2008 when he called 78-year-old Andrew Sachs for his BBC Radio 2 show with Jonathan Woss. The incident was pre-recorded and producers decided it was fine to air. During the call, Brand said, “I shagged your granddaughter”, made a mock apology to Sachs, and then suggested he commit suicide. Since humiliating old people counts as entertainment in the UK, both men continued to have successful TV careers and Brand even starred in a couple of terrible Hollywood movies. It’s funny how rapists fail upwards, isn’t it? Brand is just the latest in a long line of people to follow the proud BBC tradition of sexual offences. They include Sir Jimmy Saville, Rolf Harris CBE, Stuart Hall OBE, Huw Edwards MBE, Chris Denning, and Tim Westwood. You’ll be pleased to know the BBC did their utmost to shelter these men for years until the law caught up with them. Aren’t you glad you’re forced to pay your licence fee?