𝙃𝙚𝙧𝙢𝙚𝙨 Trismegistus ☤

This journey nearly broke me. And I don’t mean “oh it was hard lol”. I mean it forced me to look at myself in ways I’d avoided my entire life. At the start, I thought I had it handled. Edge? Check. Confidence? Check. Vision of freedom? Crystal f*cking clear. That illusion didn’t last long, because when the pressure came, the truth came with it: - My psychology was a mess. - My rules were flexible when they shouldn’t have been. - My convictions weren’t even mine half the time. Being truly honest? I wasn’t trading, I was performing. I’ve got a family. Responsibility. Real stakes. So in a way, you could say I did this backwards. I messed up early. Then I kept messing up. Loss after loss after loss. But instead of quitting… I stayed long enough to see what was actually wrong with me. That’s the part very few talk about. I didn’t just lose money. I lost illusions. I lost identities I thought were “me”. Being completely transparent? There were days I was deep in red after being millimetres from passing challenges, moments where I’d blown it and genuinely didn’t want to exist anymore. Not metaphorically. Not dramatically. I’m talking about that quiet, heavy thought: “I don’t want to be here.” If your mental game isn’t locked down, this path will eat you alive. No edge, no system nor mentor will save you. So I stopped trying to control myself. I stepped away. I dissected every single mistake I’d recorded. Not to beat myself up, but to understand the pattern underneath the behaviour. And what I realised changed everything: You don’t kill old habits. You outgrow them. You don’t “fix” psychology. You build a new identity that doesn’t need the old coping mechanisms. I got quieter. I stopped explaining. I stopped looking sideways. Silence became my edge. I came back. Still imperfect. Still human. But the mistakes got smaller. Less frequent, less emotional. That’s how you know something real is changing. I’m nowhere near where I want to be, but this is a turning point. My family is that bit safer. My decisions are cleaner. And I’m no longer a one-trick pony clinging to hope. For the first time, I’m proud, not because I “won”… but because I didn’t abandon myself. I owe a huge part of this to @Moneytaur_ . Yes, I did the work, but without his willingness to share real knowledge, to stay present, to teach without ego, I don’t know if I’d have made it through the darkest parts. I’ll probably never meet him. I’ll probably never be in his circle. And that’s fine, because what he gave me didn’t just change my trading. It changed the trajectory of my life. This isn’t motivation, nor is it advice. It’s proof that staying long enough to face yourself is the hardest trade you’ll ever take.