@octopuscaveman

cool ranch icarus

linktr.ee/octopuscaveman
Joined July 2017
  • Tweets157K
  • Following2.5K
  • Followers35.6K
11.5KMedia
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
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Tom Lazay@tlazay20 Apr 2020
One of these two awesome birthday gifts from my wife was created by @OctopusCaveman! The other makes me invisible during Zoom meetings when I turn on my forest virtual background.
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This guy came to twitter, said what he needed to say, and just like that he was gone
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Imagine sitting in a corner, just losing your religion and some asshole throws a spotlight on you.
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You know that guy in the McDonald’s bathroom who gives your penis a little shake after you pee? It turns out he doesn’t actually work there
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Someone wrote a review of my twitter account in this porto potty
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I miss this era of twitter. People would just come on here and complain to businesses and brands. Twitter was for the people and it was glorious. Now people retweet politicians and brands like sheep.
C C ⛓@cecepewe820 Dec 2015
When you ask for a bacon Mcgriddle and they give you a fish fillet... #fuckyouMcDonalds
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Kendricks Heart@kendrickshearts14h
Middle age white woman accuses Drake of stealing her entire outfit
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Party Waffle@PartyWaffleOct 27
Be the reason they whisper “yikes” while looking at their phone
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☣️JAZZY☣️@JudgementJazzy17h
Skyrim loading screens
octopus/caveman@octopuscaveman20h
You can jack off in the bathrooms at Taco Bell
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cat memes
@hardcatmemes23h
My cat was born with a mullet
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but you can never leave
octopus/caveman@octopuscaveman20h
You can jack off in the bathrooms at Taco Bell
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Missy Martinez@MissyXMartinez20h
Carhartt needs to make bra and panty sets
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You can jack off in the bathrooms at Taco Bell
🤝 Paid partnership
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Hard Pass
@HardPass4Oct 27
I wonder what Jerimy is up to these days.
Special Ops Magazine
@specialopsmagOct 27
Unhinged letters sent by school kids to US service members deployed overseas.
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tasman
@lildorothy_Oct 27
killing two birds (hotdogs) with one stone (mouth)
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Freedom Kerl
@Freedomkerlrox21h
Replying to @octopuscaveman
@octopuscaveman thanks man, shes a beaut!
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💕@janicesghost23h
This is what periods are like.
SentientBunnySuit🐰@SuitSentient23h
I got that dog in me (werewolf currently biting me).
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Tooting my own horn here but this is one of the most underrated jokes
octopus/caveman@octopuscaveman1 Feb 2019
Smoking weed is like jerking off. I don’t mind if you do it just don’t blow it in my face.
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Jenna SaysQuoi@jennasaysquoi10 Sep 2023
how old were you when you realized skunks smell like that because they smoke weed?
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Don’t understand why I haven’t had a match on my dating profile. All of my pictures are me showing off all of my kitchen gadgets. I thought women liked a guy that can cook?
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It’s the tea kettle isn’t it?
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