Reposts from @PaperWash | teapawt

paperwash© retweeted

@BeastOfWoodOct 4

Too slow squiggly boi

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@PaperWash6 Aug 2014

Remember kids, those light up sneakers won't seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.

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@lildorothy_Sep 30

(me as a therapist) can we talk about me now

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Harrison Weinreb@harriweinrebSep 26

My phone which is ruining my life in 100s of different ways: the volume you listen to music at is mildly unsafe

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@FrazzleMyGimpSep 28

(Baseball game) Hotdog guy: hotdogs! Me waving him down: all good over here Him: what? Me standing up and going to him: I don’t want a hotdog

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ratman@CoalPowersSep 25

Imagine being the lowest elevation corpse on mount everest. Fucking loser

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Geraldo@voiceofgeraldoSep 21

Lying about my birthday at chilis, getting caught, then escalating into a suicide by cop situation

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@PaperWash8 Aug 2013

A tweet so confusing you turn your radio down to read it

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Say it ain't so@Shut_up_Marissa16 Jul 2014

I don't mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs. *turns up volume* SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!

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@PaperWash14 Mar 2017

me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter] cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm? me: snow storm?

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@PaperWash28 May 2015

*orders pizza* *dabs grease off with napkins* *eats napkins*

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@PaperWash29 May 2015

[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on] moth driving: omg moth wife: Harold no we have a baby moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD

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@PaperWash30 May 2018

dentist: this is going to make you feel a little numb ok? me: ok dentist: [leans in] everyone you love is going to die

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@PaperWash4 Jun 2015

Dentist: ok open up "Well I guess it all started when my dad left..." Dentist: no I mean- Assistant: wait bill...let him finish

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Natalie Would@_NatalieWouldSep 18

You can shoot the messenger, as a little treat

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Say it ain't so@Shut_up_MarissaSep 9

Me when I write something: The reason we see stars in the night sky is because their light has traveled across unimaginable distances through space Me when I try to speak: The stars space light and distance is far and comes around and to us

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@PaperWash11 Nov 2015

God: kill your son Abraham: uh...ok God: holy shit I'm jk Abraham: umm... God: I'll probably kill mine tho lol Abraham: wtf?

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ref@xfilesttSep 7

me: lmao i saw it on twitter them: what's your twitter me: i don't have twitter

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Jay@DirtMcTurd23 Aug 2016

[first cat being domesticated] What's that thing your petting? "It's called a cat" Do they bite? "Oh ya LOL all the time!"

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𝑴𝒐 𝑴𝒐𝒉𝒍𝒆𝒓

@MoMohlerAug 31

They should let men over 40 have birthday parties at Bass Pro Shops.

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