Don't be alarmed, I'm not actually licking the rock. It's forced perspective, I am licking the air.

Saw someone wearing an O.J. Simpson Jersey at tonight's Pig Iron show, what does that mean!? #ojsimpson

Taking my recycling on @septa to NJ Am I doing this right @PhillyMayor? #philly #philadelphiatrashstrike #philadelphia

Eagles fans are going to climb the poles whether they're greased or not so it's really dangerous to grease the poles. Philly should just put ladders and harnesses on all of them so climbing the poles is safer.

If someone who plays for the Sixers is a Sixer, Lakers a Laker, Celtics a Celtic etc. Does that make someone who plays for the Orlando Magic a Magician?

The Eagles should just give up their playoff spot to a team that wants to be there

A haunted house, but it's just waking up every morning in 2023

Well, that was quite the season finale of Hard Knocks

I have to take I-95 to a gig tomorrow, so I guess I'll leave now

Succession is just Gilmore Girls with Finance Bros

While I was cutting my fingernails on the sidewalk before my gig in Wilmington, DE, a woman approached me because she thought I was Common (the rapper). Not only did this lady think I was Common, but she thought Common was cutting his finger nails on a sidewalk in Wilmington, DE

The sky on the East Coast- It's a beautiful 70 degree spring afternoon April Fools! Tornado Watch

How are we supposed to concentrate on our taxes when we can watch unlimited 2nd halves of basketball games? #MarchMadness #NCAATournament

Wow, Jamie Lee Curtis just got slapped so many times at the Oscars! Oh wait, those were just clips from Everything Everywhere All At Once.

Today I bought a mattress that should last at least 25 years, so at 37 years old, I just bought the bed that might be my death bed.

Roses are red Violets are green I am color blind

What gift should I get my hand for Valentine's Day?

I don't really care about the Super Bowl, but I want to say sincerely that I am rooting for the Philadelphia buildings and cars Don't destroy my property, please

I’ve been hoarding eggs and toilet paper since April 2020 if y’all need any Side note: when you come to get the eggs, can you help me figure out why my apartment smells bad?

Godot is going to arrive before a Speaker of the House is elected

Me on my way to get cloned on January 1- New Year, New Me