Postman Pat

"Morning Mrs Goggins, sorry I'm a bit late. . . . . .I've just seen Granny Dryden Being mugged by three men at the bus-stop" "Did you go over and help Pat ?" "No . . . . I think three of them was enough"

"Ah hello Pat . . . It's 2.45 AM and I've just had a call from Granny Dryden to say that on your way home from the pub you've pissed through her letter-box then knocked on the door, getting her out of bed to ask how far along the hallway it went" #PissedUpPat

"What a party last night at the Reverands house eh Pat ? . . Did you see his gold toilet ? . I went twice and he's definitely got a gold toilet" ------------------------------------------------ "Hello Reverend ? . . . . I think I've found out who took a shit in your trombone"

Today I helped Ted to put some signs up , the second job was new letters above the Post Office. He said - "Send up a letter P, Pat" I said - "we haven't got a 'P' . . . We only have a 'B" He said - "We must've really messed up 'The Greenadale Brick Company' sign earlier"

"Good morning Pat . . Miss Hubbard has reported that someone fitting your description squatted on her handle-bars and took a dump in her bike shopping basket at around 2 AM this morning . . Can you shed any light on this ? " 🙈 #PissedupPat

My son asked me - "where do babies come from Dad ?" I replied - "ah . . Well . . Erm . . . The stork brings them son" He said - " Who fucks the stork then Dad ?" 🙈

Saw Peter Fogg , I asked "how's your brother doing living in Saudi Arabia?" He said - "they caught him stealing a chicken from the market so they cut his right hand off , then he stole some bread so they cut his left hand off , the only thing he can steal now is doughnuts "

I said to the wife - "I was chatting with Ted Glen in the pub last night, and he said that he has shagged every woman on our street except one" She said - "oh . . . I bet it's that stuck-up cow at number 12" 😳

"You smell nice today Pat" "Thankyou Mrs Goggins, its my new aftershave - it's called 'Breadcrumbs' . . . The birds love it" 🙄

I said to the wife - "happy valentines day" and i handed her a bunch of flowers. She said - "HUH, I suppose I'll have to open my legs for them" I said - "why, haven't we got a vase ?" #ValentinesDay

"Hi Ted , good Christmas ? " "Yes Pat , the wife got me swimming pool membership to keep fit , I went today and after about an hour I needed a wee , so I had a sneaky pee in the deep end . . . The lifeguard blew his whistle so loud that i almost fell off the diving board

I met Ted this morning and said - "Hello Ted , how did you get on with Doctor Gilbertson yesterday to help you to quit smoking ?" He said - "excellent Pat , She gave me some Nicotine patches . . . I took them home , put one over each eye and I couldn't find my cigarettes"

P.C. Selby stopped me in the van this afternoon. He said - "Hello Pat , I've pulled you over for a spot check" I said - "I've got two blackheads and a boil on my left arse-cheek"

I had an accident and crashed the van yesterday. I explained to P.C. Selby that the other chap involved was on a mobile phone and drinking from a can of beer at the time of the crash - P.C. Selby said that the other chap was entitled to whatever he wanted in his own living room

Mrs Goggins said she was writing to the doctor to get a breast enlargement , I said - "if you want bigger boobs just rub toilet-paper between your boobs a couple of times a day" She asked - "will that work Pat ?" I said - "it worked for your arse"

I caught Alf Thompson earlier shagging a sheep that had its head stuck in a fence . . . He said - "would you like to have a turn Pat ?" I said - "Don't be silly . . . I'll never get my head in that fence"

"Hello Pat . . . Could you post this parcel for me please ?" "Sure Reverend, what is it ?" "Its the ashes that I sweep from the floor at the crematorium at the church . . . I sell it to the cannibals in Africa as Ready-Brek" 😳

"Good morning Doctor Gilbertson , Pat here . . . I got a very bad reaction when I applied that haemorrhoid cream that you prescribed me" "Where did you apply it Pat ?" "On the Bus"