🍞The Walking Toaster 🍞

The IRS decided to audit Grandpa and summoned him to the IRS office. The auditor wasn’t surprised when Grandpa showed up accompanied by his attorney. The auditor began, “Well, sir, you appear to have an extravagant lifestyle despite having no full-time employment. You explain this by claiming that you make your money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that particularly believable.” “I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” Grandpa replied. “How about a demonstration?” The auditor thought for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.” Grandpa said, “I’ll bet you $1,000 that I can bite my own eye.” The auditor considered the proposition and said, “It’s a bet.” Grandpa removed his glass eye and bit it. The auditor’s jaw dropped. Grandpa continued, “Now, I’ll bet you $2,000 that I can bite my other eye.” The auditor could clearly see that Grandpa wasn’t blind, so he eagerly accepted the bet. Grandpa removed his dentures and bit his good eye. The stunned auditor realized he’d just lost $3,000, with Grandpa’s attorney there as a witness. He was starting to get nervous. “Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asked. “I’ll bet you $6,000 that I can stand on one side of your desk, pee into the wastebasket on the other side, and not get a single drop anywhere in between.” Having been burned twice, the auditor was cautious. But after carefully considering the distance, he decided there was no way the old man could pull off such a stunt. He accepted the bet. Grandpa stood beside the desk, unzipped his pants, and gave it his best shot. But despite straining mightily, he couldn’t get the stream anywhere near the wastebasket. Instead, he ended up urinating all over the auditor’s desk. The auditor leaped with joy, realizing he’d just turned a $3,000 loss into a $3,000 win. Meanwhile, Grandpa’s attorney groaned and buried his face in his hands. “Are you okay?” the auditor asked. “Not really,” the attorney replied. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me $25,000 that he could come in here, piss all over your desk, and you’d be happy about it.”