ᴍᴀʜꜱᴀ

A quick vent from a small artist... I’m sorry about that... I don't want to share my art here anymore... I've realized that no one really cares about it except me, and I have absolutely no idea how to promote myself... I don't know... I'm tired... I'm genuinely tired. Ever since I started sharing what I do, I've been feeling worse... like I don't belong. It feels like there’s already an established little circle here where everyone supports each other, boosting one another in the social media algorithms... It was so foolish of me to think I could become a part of it. After almost a year, I never did. I've analyzed it a lot and realized this is exactly how it works... I remember a couple of times when popular Caleb artists with large audiences noticed my work and shared it, and those specific posts blew up. Most of the other posts just go unnoticed, despite a high engagement rate, or how many hours you poured into the art, or what gods you prayed to. Though maybe I'm just being dramatic and my work simply doesn't hook anyone... That's probably it... I just want to find a convenient excuse for my failures. It hurts so much to realize that nowadays, just being an artist isn't enough... I started drawing again because of Caleb after years of art block... I even bought courses for the first time, started learning the fundamentals, anatomy, etc. It became a healing experience for me... But the process of running social media and wanting to share this with people I thought would care has turned into a massive source of pain... I've become overly critical of myself, constantly devaluing what I do, and that's not what I wanted when I started drawing again... I wanted to express my love, to share it with others, but... It seems I just wasn't ready for reality. I won't stop drawing Caleb... Of course not... I love him with every fiber of my soul, and he’s the one thing that split my life into "before" and "after"... But I definitely need to rethink my desire to share this part of my life. Maybe love really does prefer silence. I'm sorry if you had to read this... I guess here I'd like to say a huge thank you to everyone for the support, and if you are among the few who truly cared about what I do... It is immensely precious to me, as it is to any artist, especially beginners... I deeply value sincerity, when words of support are written not just for show, but from the bottom of the heart... It's so hard to promote your art today if you don't have help and backing, or if luck doesn't suddenly smile on you... So please, support artists... Especially beginners... Whenever I see Caleb or the other LaDS boys inspire another girl to create—my heart rejoices... Because it's so beautiful! And it's so painful to realize that because of the cruel algorithms, little budding stars might burn out before they even get a chance to shine... Our fandom lacks love amidst all this chaos... ​I give up... At least for now. I couldn't handle it... But please, don't you give up... I really want you all to succeed. Take care of yourselves. ❤️‍🩹