@RunwayDan

Behold my many, many rules for interacting with me.

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Joined November 2013
  • Tweets61.5K
  • Following4.9K
  • Followers5.8K
287Media
And then the little dog would say "yo quiero Taco Bell" and we would all laugh and laugh. It was a simpler time.
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If you're a fan of dry comedy than Steven Wright is the one for you. He made his name in the 80s with his crazy one-liners. I personally think the man is absolutely hilarious. I believe he was also known as guy on the couch in the movie half baked. 🤣🤣🤣
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I was over in the 'For You' tab and they're talking a lot of shit about you over there
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RunwayDan retweeted
Lilly Batson
@Lilly_bat9810h
Mitch was one in a million 😂
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RunwayDan retweeted
Kip Conlon@kipconlon11h
From the made beds at the hotel to the amazing WiFi reception, I’ll never forget our honeymoon in Paris.
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I sabotaged my son's Joker Halloween costume to teach him a lesson about humility, because he doesn't have the chops of a Nicholson or the raw energy of a Ledger.
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Music videos used to change our lives. That was awesome.
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There’s a trick to using scoopable cat litter. At first you tend to hold your fingers too close or too far apart until you find that sweet spot where the loose litter falls out of your hand.
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RunwayDan retweeted
RunwayDan
@RunwayDan20 Feb 2015
I love that disaster movie about the skyscraper that becomes a towering inferno. I think it's called "The Burny Building."
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Asking ChatGPT to love my son, whose name I've forgotten, so I have more free time to spend online
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I walked in on my sister-in-law wearing just her underwear. Now she's demanding to know how I got her underwear.
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Dressing like an old timey newsboy and shouting "EXTRA, EXTRA!" before reciting my tweets in public
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He looks like the only fifth-grader with two ex-wives and a haul to make to Memphis.
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RunwayDan retweeted
Variety
@VarietyOct 26
Walter Koenig, who played Chekov in the original “Star Trek” series and seven “Star Trek” feature films, has died at 90. variety.com/2026/film/news/w…
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This motherfucker was definitely on something hitting a lot harder than cheese, let’s be honest with ourselves. 👉 super70ssportsstore.com/prod…
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Modern science attributes empathetic loyalty and superior olfactory perception to the intuitive sense found only in dogs of knowing when you have a disease or Hamburger Helper.
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They say a watched pot never boils but you know what else a watched pot never does? Levitate.
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RunwayDan retweeted
ES
@ESXIIIOct 25
I like the not very subtle threat being used to try to scare people into voting. “Who you vote for is secret. Whether you vote isn't. Your neighbors can look it up.” To which I reply “if you brushed your teeth this morning you can kiss my ass.”
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RunwayDan retweeted
ScottW@jswtreeman25 Oct 2022
A food pyramid but it’s just me stacking Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups™️ in the shape of a triangle.
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RunwayDan
@RunwayDan16 Feb 2025
My dreams of being a rodeo clown were dashed when I discovered I was allergic to getting kicked in the head by a bull.
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