Shari VanderWerf

If it all goes tits up, you can find me at Narcotics Anonymous.

*learns Twitter is unmoderated for four days* *looks around* 👀 Nancy Pelosi voice... POOHPOOH!

Computer: Twitter quit unexpectedly. Me: Have you even watched the news?

The only reason I'm still on Twitter is for the daily reminders that I'm not the worst person in the world.

I just realized that if we enter into a civil war, it's basically going to be the meth states versus the marijuana states. Uh-oh.

Bonjour de Paris!

It's not the heat, it's the liquid in my eyeballs boiling as my skin instantly turns to ash.

. @KelloggsUS WTF is this? #Crispixfail

Son: I can never poop in hotels. Me: Yeah. That happens to a lot of people. Son: But how does my butt know I'm on vacation? Me:🤔

I still rage against the machine, only now the machine is the dishwasher.

I'm eating serial seereeal ciril surreal circleal white liquid with crunchy boos

I am the best at Wordle.

I'm drink hungry for some clear liquid with water croutons.

"So what are we doing for Valentine's day?" "Eating out." *Starts to take off pants* "At a restaurant." *Slowly puts pants back on*

My rap name is Lil' Hot Bagels.

Anti-vaxxers are mad at Sesame Street for educating kids about vaccines. Haha! Wait till they find out that Oscar the Grouch is made of weed.

Succession returns tonight, and it's the closest I will come to being a puppy seeing his owner return from war.