St Andrew’s Mooring Committee International*

Bryan (with a Y), has commented that if the DPA had spent less time faffing around with kiosk awnings and the like, they might have had time to finish the IDP review!

Marjorie has dismissed food security fears by reclassifying the parish allotments as 'Sovereign Internal Waters'. She is currently redrawing the parish boundaries to include Waitrose, insisting all incoming carrots be treated as 'unregistered maritime cargo'. - Marjorie

Marjorie (in purple) notes that fly-tipping is 'illegal jettisoning of ballast'. If the police won't help, the farmer should simply declare his field a Sovereign Port, seize the offender’s van as a ‘Prize of War’, and bill them for emergency dry-docking. Highly pedantic.

Michelin star for 'Vraic' in the Vale? Outrageous. Stumpy Nev has been serving seaweed found in the St Andrew's douit for years with no recognition. We've officially designated the car park at the Last Post as a 'Mooring of Culinary Excellence' in protest. - Derek

The whole committee has gone a bit lighthearted and we’re all talking about ‘Wascally Wabbits!’

While Town hikes fees by 8.3%, St Andrew’s remains committed to affordable maritime access. Our premier moorings in the Rue de la Cache gutters remain free for all vessels under 6 inches. Bryan (with a y) is already out with a bucket to deepen the South Basin. - Chairman

Bryan (with a y) has officially offered our parish duck pond as an emergency dry dock for the Caesarea Trader. It’s a bit of a squeeze past the church, but with a stiff breeze and enough lubricant, we’ll have her moored in time for the meat draw. (Glad all okay)!

Huge congrats to Vraic. Bryan (with a y) notes that while a Michelin star is 'adequate', it doesn't compare to the Mooring Committee's 'Golden Barnacle' award for our roadside crab sandwiches. We remain the premier maritime dining destination—despite the lack of ocean.

Regarding the dog tax: The Committee is reclassifying all St Andrew's Labradors as 'Amphibious Salvage Vessels.' If they can't swim, they're 'Mooring Buoys.' Marjorie has registered her cat as a 'Submarine' to avoid the levy. Pure maritime genius. - Stumpy Nev

While St Martin's Point suffers storm damage, the Committee confirms that all St Andrew's vessels are secure. Stumpy Nev has double-moored the parish punt in the church car park to guard against the 40ft swell Marjorie predicted in Talbot Valley. Safety first.

Marjorie here. Following news that Guernsey Water is taking over cesspit collections, we’ve officially designated all Parish tankers as 'Class B Sludge Barges'. Any driver attempting to ‘dock’ at a St Andrew’s manhole without a valid mooring permit will be boarded and fined.

While the Coop 'shakes up' mobile phones, Bryan (with a y) is installing the parish's first 5G-enabled lighthouse in the middle of a field. It won't help your signal, but it will stop Stumpy’s tractor from running aground in the fog. Safety first in landlocked St Andrew's.

Inspired by the Bismarck mapping project, Stumpy Nev is attempting a 3D sonar scan of the large puddle behind the Church. He’s convinced there’s a sunken pedal-boat from 1984 down there. We’ve cordoned off the car park for 'deep-sea' operations. High stakes.

Disturbed by reports of a 'ghost flight'. The Committee has instructed Derek to keep a sharp lookout from the top of the Little Chapel for any crewless vessels drifting into our air-sea space. We have already prepared the salvage paperwork for the parish pond. - Marjorie

Marjorie is quite distressed about the cesspit takeover. She’s designated her tank as 'The Great St Andrew’s Lagoon' and refuses to allow any 'dredging' until the driver provides a valid Admiral’s certificate. We’re landlocked, but she’s expecting a spring tide. - Chairman

Bryan (with a y) has officially logged the passengerless flight as a 'Ghost Vessel' in the St Andrew’s Dry-Mooring Ledger. He is now sharpening his 2H pencil to calculate the 'air-anchorage' fees. Marjorie says the whole thing is very 'No Quarter'. guernseypress.com/news/2026/…

One for Bryan (with a Y)

We were very disappointed to see that our mooring committee were disqualified from taking part due to “a lack of parish seafront.” That’s just petty!!

Rumour has it that the L’Ancresse Commons Council is making a hostile takeover bid for our patch here in St Andrews. I believe that @richarddigard heads this lot up. Hands off you lot. Stay in your own parish!

Please could you avoid my Auntie Mabel! #marjorie