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denise

@Stellacopter

i never know how much air to put in my tires, I just stop when I get bored.

 phillyish
Joined January 2011
  • Tweets19.1K
  • Following746
  • Followers26.6K
Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
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Send me to the moon and just fucking leave me there.
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How many sleigh rides you been on this year? I’ve been on 7.
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Finding it difficult to choose a Father’s Day card because he doesn’t sail boats.
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Someone said I never say “I’m sorry,” then I pointed out a time I said sorry and now I’m making them say sorry for saying I never say sorry.
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The worst thing about Katy Perry going to space is that they didn't leave her there.
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Whatever that thing is that makes people like you? I don't have that.
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I don’t own a Timeshare but that man from the Timeshare radio commercial sure makes me want to cancel mine.
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When you see cigarette smoke coming from the top of a Dollar General, you know they have selected a new store manager.
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I just move my scale to different parts of the bathroom floor until I like the number.
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No fucking way will I choose the shopping cart that someone left a piece of paper in.
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Probably not this one either
Image from denise (@Stellacopter)
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I am absolutely fucking fuming at my brother and I'm glad he's bald. He pushed me you know... Hope he goes for a 2 mile walk off a 1 mile pier. #futureking #williampushedme #PrinceHarry #HaveSomeSinglePlyToiletPaperYouWanker
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I hate when people use weird old sayings because it’s neither here nor there and I’m just trying to get the heck out of Dodge.
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“Craft cocktail” BBQ chicken infused Bourbon, house-made snake venom bitters, hot dog water shrub, aged old man, smoked cyanide, fresh lemon. $18
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Being an adult is like losing your mom in a department store for years and years until you die.
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I want the people floating around in space to know I thought about them today.
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Currently eating Greek yogurt with a fork. Fuck you.
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You know that Tom Petty song “Don’t come around here no more.” How do I get that to play as people leave my house?
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Stop tweeting.
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Why didn't they combine the Olympics with Shark week? See who can swim away from Great Whites and shit.
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Bar Rescue…but for John Taffer’s face.
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