😺😸⚫️🔴🌕

Halloween Costume Tips: 1. Something topical 2. Something funny 3. If you can do both, you WIN the first 30 seconds anyone sees you.

Useful.

Where’s your screws?

Man, I should’ve been a cowboy. I should have learned to rope and ride, wearing my six-shooter, riding my pony on a cattle drive.

House of Wax spots.

I bet these don’t do anything except blink. Put here to scare the immigrants who come here looking for work. NOT free Medicaid, Work.

Lady in this movie is going as Mary Poppins.

I’m going to come over and do this to you for like 45 minutes.

Sofa king obnoxious.

Did you know, you aren’t required to eat a burrito by picking it up and biting into the end, getting a mouthful of only rice, or beans? It’s true, you’re allowed to use the utensils they have out for you by the soda machine.

This feels like the most popular World Series championship in a long time. 😻

Remember when Walter Cronkite used to wear a suit on tv? What the hell is that.

Just so nobody thinks I’m a Gregory Come Lately… #sal #brewers

As far as the eye can see….

Dear @apple, swapping the position of the Punctuation and Emoji keys was not particularly helpful or even necessary. Just like making a keyboard with lower-case letters on it after 150 years of all caps. Don’t start me on that fucking “liquid glass” bullshit.

I need better internet than what I have.

Gunsmoke and peanuts. 👏👏

Causation.