Tanner Gueller

You know what isn’t fair? Sitting in a suit for 3 straight days waiting for you to call me about my interview. I’m starting to chafe.

Morning routine of an unemployed guy that wants to be @BarstoolBigCat’s assistant

Reason #707 why I should be @BarstoolBigCat’s assistant: My college roommates and I developed a basketball game that would be an electric addition to the Chicago office. Don’t worry, it’s designed so that out of shape people can play.

Reason #4,627 why I should be @BarstoolBigCat’s assistant: I believe that establishing the run game is essential for success, and I intend to continue doing so—pounding the rock until a job is secured.

My ancestors braved the treacherous Hastings Cutoff in 1846 so that I could one day work for @BarstoolBigCat.

When will you be reaching out for interviews for your assistant job @BarstoolBigCat? I’m looking forward to hearing from you.

Reason #60,518 why I should be @BarstoolBigCat’s assistant: I’m the ideal middle seat passenger. Whether it’s a plane or a Chevy Silverado, I have always been the middle seat guy. Not because I want to, but because I’m a team player.

Reason #29,615 why I should be @BarstoolBigCat’s assistant: I would rather hang out in the cave with people who love ball than go out to a block party.

Reason #318 why I should be @BarstoolBigCat’s assistant: When you’re busy with all of your other obligations, I can entertain guests at HQ and make them feel the barstool welcome. I felt Big Cozy was outcasted at times yesterday.

Reason #462 why I should be @BarstoolBigCat’s assistant: I have a strong foundation of supporters encouraging me to pursue this position. While it may feel odd to tweet excessively at someone, these people continue to support me and are committed to helping me achieve my dream. Shoutout to all you day ones for the support!

Reason #48,273 why I should be @BarstoolBigCat’s assistant: I grew up as a Seattle sports fan, and the Chicago office could use more West Coast representation.

Reason #10,326 why I should be @BarstoolBigCat assistant: I grind. I am a dedicated employee who thrives in challenging conditions and environments, consistently taking pride in performing at the highest level. (First two pictures were the entrance to my office)

Reason #62 why I should be @BarstoolBigCat assistant: I attended every Cat Cave Derby. From day one, I was a Spiral Ham guy. Nothing will ever top the feeling of that infamous win.

Reason #9,710 why I should be @BarstoolBigCat assistant: I know ball.

Reason #7,152 why I should be @BarstoolBigCat assistant: I’m a dog lover. Always have been, always will be. If I get this job I vow to adopt a dog from @PAWSChicago.

Reason #6,240 @BarstoolBigCat should hire me as his assistant: I have the ability to outrun the rest of the candidates to the coffee maker and bring it to the promised land without a drop. Side note: I can also play goalie for the @BarstoolYak gauntlet.

Reason #2,639 why @BarstoolBigCat should hire me for his assistant position. I’m the current holder of the Memorial Day Weekend Celebrity Bill Buckner Invitational Pro-Am Golf Tournament on Memorial Day trophy. I can help you bury @hen_ease the troll this golf season.

This could be us but you playing @BarstoolBigCat I can turn off the gritty lifestyle for a moment and hang with the fellas over a cup of @StellaBlueCoff …and yes that is a Spiral Ham shirt

Reason #1,617 why I’d make a great assistant for @BarstoolBigCat: Having worked in the airline industry, I know some of the best travel hacks in the biz. So not only would he never have to worry about the logistics of getting the whole @PardonMyTake crew out to Grit Week, but the stress-free travel would have the boys in prime Mount Rushmore condition. Also shoutout Suvivor winner @Gabler1Mike for the pic.