Michael Scott

Dwight: I’ll just have another dumatril. Jim taught me this really cool way to take it. You crush it into a powder and you snort it up your butt.

You should never settle for who you are.

But seriously, if you break that girl’s heart I will literally kill you and your entire family.

Michael: Did I come from a woman? Have I slept with a woman? More than one? Dwight: Less than three. Michael: That is not current.

What if the moon was your car, and Jupiter was your hairbrush?

I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero? I really can't say. But, yes.

It was a weird day. I accidentally cross-dressed.

I mean, who's gonna give Kevin an award? Dunkin' Donuts?

Mmmmm, sounds yummy. I will have a chicken breast hold the chicken.

The company has made it my responsibility today to put an end to 100,000 years of being weirded out by gays.

Toby's divorced. God, that's hard. That really ripped you up. She got the kids, right?