Carson S

I just had a great experience at Maggiano’s Little Italy! Follow them on Twitter inmoment.com/api/u/IK8VJcMd

#notallmuslims #istandwithahmed #SHALL :^^)

I was invited to a no-alcohol, vegetarian Halloween party tonight. Of course i'll come, I said. I'll be dressed as the Invisible Man.

My daughter's hamster escaped from it's cage so I spent 4 hours looking for it. No luck though, it wasn't in the pub

There's a car with a sensor that lets you know if you're approaching another car too quickly. Funny, I thought that's what eyes were for.

I used to say that I wanted to make ridiculous amounts of money. I think I should have chosen my words more carefully.

I hate when I'm out jogging and cross paths with a couple of cheeseburgers and a large fry.

If you believe anything Obama says, raise your hand. Now use it to slap yourself.

I've just booked a one way flight to Syria. I'm not joining IS. I'm going to walk back and get a free house.

Of course it's my fault honey I was born with a penis.

Sometimes I wish I could trade my heart in for a extra stomach. That way I could care less but eat more.

I'm pretty sure I had a good time last night. Let me finish reading the police report and i'll let you know.

Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5'9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please

I'm kinda like a fireman. I turn the hoes on.

One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.

I don’t accept apologies, you did what made you happy at the expense of my emotions and I understand but i won’t respect it.

Q: What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig? A: The letter F.

My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.

Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend.