lane pieschel

On shark tank pitching dicks Me: so you pee out of them but also have sex w/ them Sharks: lol what? Me: they also get hurt easy Sharks: no

My Twitter account looks like I died in the pandemic but I assure you I am alive and unwell!

Celebrities really think they can just declare they’re running for president how Michael Scott “declared” BANKRUPTCY

Ive got $80 of Outback in a lyft

I wonder who came in first? 🤔

My dad sucks down Fox News all day, gets drunk then calls me like “Son! I heard deblasio is handing out guns to shoot police!! You been going to church?”

Gotta love the ~5% of online news outlets that aren’t mentioning anything at all happening right now. Just like “It’s time to break out the grill!”

Happy Father’s Day. I just remembered my dad used to tell me how hot Rita Repulsa was all the time.

Once a week me and all my boys get together to do weigh ins

Julia just said she learned all about Mesopotamia in school and acted like it’s weird I didn’t. I’m from Florida fyi our history book had a recipe for key lime pie in the jacket

I have decided to become the world’s first billionaire mover

My favorite businessy type corona ad: *uplifting piano clink* “It’s a weird time right now. Your health is our priority, that’s why we at Burger King have decided to start actually washing our hands.”

After this is all done I’m putting on a lab coat and telling people I was a doctor fuck it who cares

To support the hospital workers I will be following this one doctor around honking at him, mooning him, revving my engine at a light and ultimately trying to hit him with my car

Gotta say, my cat’s sudden need for penis removal surgery has really put a damper on my pandemic

Just got an email from Grubhub telling me to make it a boozy weekend. You know what, I just might!

Damn this coronavirus made me miss Easter mass!!!!!!!! First time ever!!!!!!!!!!