Profanisaurus

Vin Diesel: 1. n. prop. Gravel-voiced, bald actor who always wears sunglasses. 2. n. Happy Shopper wine costing less than £2, and which leaves one gravel-voiced, bald and wearing sunglasses. Screwtop.

tea strainer: n. A bowel movement that is forcibly withheld during teabreak so that one can have a tom tit and get paid for the pleasure. Time and a turd, taking one on the company's time.

M & S turd: euph. A shite which is worthy of special attention due to its exceptional quality. “This is not just a turd, this is a five-day matured, chicken vindaloo with garlic naan and eight bottles of Cobra turd.”

R Kelly weather: n. A chill in the air during the summer. When the temperature is "dipping into the teens". From the singer's alleged, though we must stress completely unproven, penchant for cooling meteorological conditions.

mid-loaf crisis: n. Anything that spoils the enjoyment of a good tom tit, eg. A doorbell or telephone ringing, a dawning realisation that there is no bumwad, or a policeman approaching the shop doorway.

gentle giant: n. A shit so big that it brings tears to your eyes, but which gently kisses you on the cheek just before it leaves. A French lodger.

mission creep: n. Having a standing piss, before deciding to lower the toilet seat for a shit.

Mediterranean Tetley: n. When on one's holiday, suffering from a dose of the squitters and not minded to locate a lavatory, going for a paddle with the intention of letting the bowels go through the perforated netting lining of one's swimming shorts.

instant diet: n. A huge pony that allows you to do up your belt a couple of notches.

blottopilot: n. Inbuilt male homing device which secures a safe return to one's house after a night on the sauce, whatever one's level of inebriation. Often fitted to one's beer scooter.

charlie sheen: n. The characteristic glow and sweaty forehead that a children's television presenter gets after enjoying a toot of Bacon powder.

Ruby worry: n. Following a spicy cuzza, the usually-justified fear that one might inadvertently follow through when letting loose the dogs of war.

change at Baker Street: v. During intercourse, to decide to play the B-side. From the only station on the London Underground where it is possible to change from the Pink line (Hammersmith & City) to the Brown line (Bakerloo).

abra-kebabra: n. A magical illusion performed after a night on the piss, whereby a traditional Turkish delicacy is made to disappear down the performer's throat, only to reappear a short time later on the back of a taxi driver's head.

instoolments: n. The successive episodes of a trilogy or mini-series. 'I'm paying for that slap-up feed at the Rupali Restaurant, Bigg Market, Newcastle upon Tyne, in instoolments, you know.'

muff nudge: The light brushing of a female hairdresser's beetle bonnet against one's elbows when she leans forward to cut one's hair.

vafro: n. A magnificently hairy 1970s biffer.

Mr Benn, to do a: v. To get so mullered that one goes into a toilet in a pub, and the next thing one remembers is exiting the toilet of another pub, suspecting one has had a little adventure inbetween.

lilies on the pond: n. The artistic practice popularised by impressionist painter Claude Monet of laying sheets of toilet tissue on the water surface before giving birth to Meatloaf's daughter. A pap baffle.

covering fire: n. The act of waiting for someone in a public toilet to turn on the taps or hand-driers before defecating in order to conceal the appalling cacophony that accompanies the release of one's bumload.