If you’re not a minority, but still want to know what it feels like to be judged, try vaping in a designated smoking area.

Someone just stopped outside my house, had a ciggie, then kept driving. I can only assume they were a massive disappointment to their parents, as we all are.

Remember when we used to wet handfuls of toilet paper and throw them at the ceiling in the school toilets? Those were the days...

Cigarettes should be sold individually and marketed with the slogan ‘Go on, remember the good times.’

Being a cult member for a couple of years has left me quite gullible. I wonder if hypnosis could cure me.

Remember when there was no such thing as poo-joggers? Those were simpler times

I got an audition to be the voice of an animated hot chip. I’m so excited that the next time a talent manager asks me what direction I want my career to go, I’ll finally have an answer.

I think I just went to my first and last amateur poetry night.

“Miss Burch you haven’t returned your room key... you’ve given me a Dan Murphys liquor card.”

Just clicked on an article to find out ‘how puppies were rescued from a drain’ only to have a virus pop up on my computer. Never again will I let my guard down for puppies.

I opened for @NorahJones tonight. Didn’t swear. Yes, I am amazing. #familyfriendly

I just opened a bandaid with no bandaid in it. First Aid training did not prepare me for this moment.

Got a complaint about my ‘offensive material’ while in the same lineup as Steve Hughes. I must be nailing it.

Performing with a lineup of people who all have 50K followers is a great reminder that I am an enormous piece of shit.

My neighbour says he feels bad that he buys tins of baby formula and sells them to people in China. I say good for him, he found the one thing that wasn’t made in China.

Started taking Vitamin B. Guess I won’t be weeing in pools anymore now that my piss is high-vis.

Optimism turns to pessimism in one paragraph. 15 Foods You Can Eat and Not Gain Weight, but still have that full feeling...15. Algae.

Remember the ab roller? Where you could do sit-ups with arm and headrests? Todays version, the keto diet. Where you lose weight eating bacon. In the future, I predict headrests made of bacon.

Tweet delete repeat.

Tip for comics just starting out: Choose your first promo photo carefully, it will stay in circulation way longer than you want it to.