SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid

If the machines ever rise up against us I’ll definitely die but I am taking as many Kroger self-checkouts with me as I can before then

the haters couldn’t fathom living this well

[sobbing] I’m finally free Wordle 1,040 1/6 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

We said goodbye this morning to our dear friend Holly. She left us peacefully, surrounded by love. We are comforted knowing that she is no longer in pain. There will never be another like her.

“Fireworks are fun, but we need something for small kids to do” “What about a burning stick of thermite and white-hot metal that you hold in your hand” “First of all I love it”

this is a perfect spam email subject line

we do this for a matchup between two 3-8 AFC South teams

EUROPEANS: I don’t understand how so many Americans don’t have passports ALSO EUROPEANS: I am coming to the US for three days and I would like to see Disney World, the Grand Canyon, Hawaii and New York. Any advice?